


It's Always Gonna Be You

by everydaybicon



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, gay revelations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25265164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everydaybicon/pseuds/everydaybicon
Summary: Jen wasn’t quite sure how she’d agreed to this outing.  When Judy had suggested a beach day with her and the boys, Jen was adamant that in her semi-crippled state, laying in hot sun all day would be pure hell.  Her back still screamed in agony whenever she even so much as twisted in the wrong direction, so swimming was out of the question.But maybe it was the way that Judy bit her lip when she asked, how she asked like she knew Jen was going to say no, that made Jen want to surprise her, to let her have this.  Maybe Judy needed it.  And so, with the thought of bringing Judy a little sunshine of her own, Jen agreed.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 200
Kudos: 334





	1. Letting Her Have This

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! 
> 
> This is the first fanfic I've ever written, so I might be doing it wrong! I decided to take the plunge because I couldn't stop thinking about Dead to Me, and have a lot of gay feelings, and so I might as well channel that into something creative, and here it is! (Well, the beginnings of it, but I digress.)
> 
> This takes place after the events of Season 2. Judy and Michelle have broken up and Jen isn't sure why. Jen is really really fond of Judy but won't let herself think about just how much. Rated Mature because that's the eventual direction.
> 
> I guess this is what they call a slow burn? I felt it required a lot of exposition, so bear with me as the first chapter is mainly setup; the beach fun will start soon, I promise!

Jen watched Judy out of the corner of her eye as they drove, a small smile creeping across her lips as she eyed her best friend. Judy was dancing along to her music, tapping the steering wheel with the beat and mouthing most of the words, singing along every now and then. Charlie had really changed the game by showing Judy how to connect her phone to their new family car— no trip, long or short, was now complete without a little 70s disco. With her wide cat-eyed sunglasses and red painted lips, Judy looked relaxed, cool even, and Jen had to marvel at the difference from the guilt-ridden nervous driver Judy had been that first time she’d driven Jen. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It might as well have been.

Jen wasn’t quite sure how she’d agreed to this outing. When Judy had suggested a beach day with her and the boys, Jen was adamant that in her semi-crippled state, laying in hot sun all day would be pure hell. Her back still screamed in agony whenever she even so much as twisted in the wrong direction, so swimming was out of the question.

But maybe it was the way that Judy bit her lip when she asked, how she asked like she knew Jen was going to say no, that made Jen want to surprise her, to let her have this. Maybe Judy needed it. And so, with the thought of bringing Judy a little sunshine of her own, Jen agreed.

In the months after the accident that sent both Judy and Jen to the hospital, the latter for almost 3 weeks, Judy and Michelle had reconciled, and they’d dated, steadily, and what seemed like happily, until a few weeks ago. 

Judy had muttered something about schedules that didn’t line up by way of explanation, Michelle putting in more hours at the restaurant, Judy’s own longer shifts at the nursing home. Over breakfast one morning, Henry asked Judy about Michelle, and why she stopped having so many sleepovers at Michelle’s apartment, and through a very strained smile, Judy calmly explained to him that sometimes, even when people love each other, they might not be meant to be, and that’s what it was with her and Michelle. 

Jen had noticed the catch in Judy’s voice as she gently explained her breakup to little Henry, and pretended not to notice the shine in Judy’s eyes when she helped her wash up afterward. Jen didn’t want to press, didn’t want to make Judy more upset than she was, but she wondered what exactly had transpired between her and Michelle to make their steadily deepening relationship come to such a sudden halt.

Henry had been right; Judy had been having a lot of ‘sleepovers’ at Michelle’s before the break-up. So often in fact, that Jen was somewhat surprised when Judy would choose to stay home for the night, and curl up next to Jen for an evening of wine and cookies in bed. 

After the accident, when Jen had been released from the hospital, Judy had moved inside the house to help Jen out more easily. Jen’s injuries were much more serious than Judy’s, and even after being discharged, her already bad back had been giving her grief like never before. With no Ben to straighten her out— he’d kind of ghosted Jen after the accident, which both Jen and Judy agreed was a really douchey move— ‘ _Men— if they can’t fuck you, they don’t want you’—_ Jen was in pain more often than she wasn’t, but Judy was always willing to help.

She’d helped her bathe, helped her get dressed, would dry and comb her hair, and though the thought of someone doing all of this for Jen made her gag, the fact that it was Judy made it somewhat bearable, maybe even nice. 

Use of the outdoor living room had been put on a little hiatus, as the short back of the couch was not Jen’s friend, and so the women had been spending a lot of time in Jen’s bed, talking and watching tv, drinking and eating, just like they used to, expect this way, Jen could be nicely propped against the headboard, leaning her strained back into the pile of pillows that seemed to grow as Judy began to stay the night.

It wasn’t the plan to begin with, Judy sleeping in Jen’s bed. At the beginning, Judy would get Jen all settled in bed, give Jen’s hand a squeeze, or maybe a goodnight kiss on the forehead— to which Jen would roll her eyes, smiling at Judy’s domestic sweetness— and Judy would return to the guest house.

One night though, Jen had woken to a very full bladder, and embarrassingly, could not get her body to sit up on her own, no matter how hard she tried. After a few unsuccessful attempts to convince herself she didn’t need to pee _that_ bad, Jen had caved, reached for her phone, and called Judy at the ungodly hour of 3:09am. After a few rings, a concerned but sleepy Judy answered, asking if everything was okay and what Jen needed. When Jen explained the situation, Judy assured her not to be embarrassed, and dutifully got out of bed to help Jen. 

When everything was said and done, and Judy was getting Jen back into bed, Judy had yawned so deeply that it made something in Jen’s chest twinge a little. She felt so guilty for dragging Judy out of bed, for asking Judy for help in every little thing, but she knew that Judy wanted to help, that she wanted to be there for Jen as much as she could, so Jen might as well make it a little easier for her.

“Do you want to stay here tonight, Jude?” Jen had asked. To which Judy yawned again, smiled sleepily, and after asking a billion times if Jen was sure, got herself comfy under the covers, and was out like a light not a moment later.

The next night, to Jen’s surprise, Judy showed up for wine and cookies already dressed for bed.

“Not trying to be presumptuous, but I kinda thought you might want me to stay again. Also your bed is way comfier than mine.”

And so, Judy started sharing Jen’s bed, Jen explaining the new arrangement to a suspicious Charlie with an ‘ _unless you want to help mommy go pee in the middle of the night…no? I didn’t think so.’_

And after all, it was half Judy’s house too, Jen reasoned. She had just as much right to the master bedroom as Jen did. But more than anything, Jen appreciated the company and the help. She appreciated the hell out of Judy. And slowly, Jen’s room started becoming more Judy’s too. Judy kept her shampoo in Jen’s ensuite bathroom, and her pajamas in Jen’s drawers. There were a few crystals on Ted’s old nightstand, and the pillows on the bed seemed to multiply every few days. Jen almost laughed out loud when one morning she awoke to find Judy’s giant bottle of hemp lotion standing proudly on her dresser. 

Technically, the guest house was still Judy’s space, but it was no longer the place she slept. It was merely the place she painted, or meditated, or did her crystal voodoo shit that Jen still couldn’t really understand. 

And it went on like this for a while, the natural melding of their spaces and boundaries, and it was comforting to Jen, letting Judy into her space, seeing how soundly Judy could sleep beside her each night.

But then, Michelle called. She’d heard about the accident and wanted to see Judy, to straighten things out with her, and to try again. And they did. And as Jen gained mobility, Judy started spending a night here and there at Michelle’s, until eventually, she was away more nights than she was home.

Jen didn’t need her for 3:00am bathroom trips anymore, but she found herself tossing and turning without the sound of Judy’s steady breathing beside her, her legs a little cold without the warmth that radiated out of the small woman.

But Jen was happy for Judy. She deserved this. Judy’s face lit up whenever Michelle’s name was mentioned, whenever her phone lit up with a text from her girlfriend, a little heart emoji beside her name. 

Michelle even came for dinner a few times. She helped make dinner actually. Judy was happy to play host, and Jen would watch the two women chop vegetables and herbs she’d never have stocked on her own, chatting away, and sometimes stealing kisses as they cooked. Their food was always delicious. ‘ _Made with love’_ or some bullshit, Judy would say, and the five of them, Jen, Judy, Charlie, Henry, and Michelle, would sit around the table, gushing about the food, and joking primarily about their common denominator— Judy. 

Afterward, the three women would linger in the kitchen over some fancy, herby cocktails until Jen would inevitably feel the need to leave them alone, and would retire to bed, leaving the two of them to head back to Judy’s guest house. It was the nights that Michelle stayed over, and those nights only, that Judy would sleep in the guest house.

As Judy spent more and more nights away, it had crossed Jen’s mind that though the house was part Judy’s now, she probably wouldn’t want to stay there forever, and sooner than later (sooner more likely, if the lesbian stereotypes were true), Judy and Michelle would move in together. Maybe Judy would move into Michelle’s apartment; she did seem comfortable spending a lot of time there, or maybe they’d look for a new place together. They would probably ask for Jen’s help. Jen had forced the thought out of her mind as soon as she had it, or tried to anyway, but she knew it wasn’t the thought of having to buy Judy out that caused her visceral reaction. Judy had become so entangled in her everyday family life. What could home be _without Judy_?

But Judy and Michelle broke up, meaning Jen’s worries seemed to have been for nil. Judy was at home every night now, and they fell back into their co-dependent routines. Judy was painfully sad for about a week, wincing at every mention of Michelle’s name, her eyes red and puffy at every meal, though she tried to smile through it, pretending she was fine in front of the boys, and even in front of Jen, which made Jen feel worse about the whole thing. She could hear Judy quietly sniffling in bed after she thought Jen had fallen asleep, could see her small frame shaking with her quiet sobs.

When she saw Judy like that, quietly bearing her sadness, her grief, Jen wanted to do nothing more than wrap Judy up in her arms, stroke her hair, and be there for Judy like she’d always been there for Jen. But she didn’t want to embarrass her, didn’t want to let Judy know that her coping charade was pretty poor, she didn’t want to make Judy feel any worse.

She wished Judy would just tell her what had happened. It wasn’t healthy for Judy to bottle up her grief. They both knew that. Jen was working on how to confront her about it, and had just worked up the nerve to do it when one night, Judy returned to Jen’s bedroom, dressed in her usual cute floral pajamas instead of the raggedy sweats she’d briefly adopted (Jen didn’t even know Judy had owned those kinds of clothes), her tone chipper, and an unopened bottle in hand. Something had changed, and it seemed like Judy was suddenly, truly _fine,_ and either Judy had suddenly become a much better actor, or some sort of switch had gone off inside her, but Jen no longer woke to Judy’s muffled sobs, no longer noticed puffy, shiny eyes. 

So Jen decided to drop it, for the time being, and let Judy ride her wave of healing on her own. She was stronger than people gave her credit for, and Jen resolved not to impede Judy’s healing by making her re-hash everything. Even if she was somewhat (really) curious about what happened between her and Michelle. She would leave it be. At least for now.

But Jen knew that all those feelings couldn’t simply have vanished overnight, and so when Judy had suggested the beach day— an easy, fun activity out, how could Jen say no to Judy, who had been through so much, and despite it all, always tried to give her best, most cheerful self to Jen and the boys. How could Jen deny her this simple pleasure, even if Jen’s back had been acting up again. 

Jen could grin and bear it for a couple hours. She would read her book, watch Judy and Henry play in the water, banter with Charlie about the fact that he refuses to get his new haircut wet without a hair dryer and product within reach. Her back could take the uneven sand if it meant her family could have a nice day out together for the first time in months. She wanted that for them. She especially wanted it for Judy.

So, when Judy pulled into the lot, and eagerly started unloading the umbrella and cooler, draping the towels over an already shirtless Charlie, and showing Henry the colourful plastic pails and shovels she’d picked out for him a few days prior, Jen resolved that she’d leave her snark for later, and let Judy have her joy, unabashed, with their two boys at the beach, at least for the day. 


	2. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between Judy’s surplus of beach toys and floaties piled around them, as well as the party-sized cooler, Jen wasn’t sure whether her family looked more like beach novices or pros. Either way, their colourful fortress established meant they really and truly were doing this, which meant it was time for Jen to stop awkwardly standing there and to figure out how she could get most comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you for the feedback and encouragement on Chapter 1! Fanfic writing is really fun, who knew? (Well, a lot of you guys probably did, but I'm new here.)
> 
> This chapter is a bit more exposition (I love a slow, deserved character arc), but I promise we'll be getting to some drama and answering some burning questions soon! For now, I wanted to explore the new normal for post-accident Jen and Judy a little more before we get down to the nitty gritty. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think!

Judy had packed a _lot_ of beach supplies. Between Jen’s back and Henry’s size, it was down to Judy and Charlie to carry the majority of them, and they decided they would make a couple trips back and forth from the car, sending Jen and Henry to pick out the perfect spot. 

“Yeah, you guys go on ahead,” Charlie called out, as he and Judy slung the multi-coloured bags over their shoulders, “we’ve got this”.

Judy waved Jen ahead as she continued to pull out their supplies from the trunk, piling things into Charlie’s waiting arms. 

Jen couldn’t help but smile as she took Henry’s hand, letting him lead her across the sand. Judy and Charlie, working together, had funnily enough become somewhat of a familiar sight for Jen.

Just after the accident, while Jen was still pretty incapacitated, she’d asked Charlie not to make things harder for Judy, to help her out a bit, run errands with her, and not leave his shit everywhere for her to clean up after him. To Jen’s surprise, she’d only had to ask him once.

It seemed like he didn’t mind running errands with Judy. Judy let him drive as long as she could pick the music, he got a say in what would be for dinner if he was there to help pick out the food, and the two of them would banter (not bicker) about almost anything. Somewhere between Charlie’s tough exterior, and Judy’s endless softness, they must have been able to strike a balance, an understanding. If Jen didn’t know better (and maybe she didn’t), it seemed like Judy Hale had somehow made her son like grocery shopping.

Whenever they’d come through the door carrying Judy’s mismatched cloth totes, overflowing with their haul, they’d bring with them banter and laughter that Jen could never really maintain with Charlie herself.

Judy was after all, the very antithesis of Jen when it came to mothering the boys, all softness and sweet affirmations—even when on the receiving end of some harsher words— but maybe that’s what Charlie needed, what Jen couldn’t give him. Jen and he were too alike; hard-headed, quick to anger. He needed sweetness to mirror, to first even know what it looked like, and Judy was nothing if not sweet. 

Something in Charlie had changed, and while _sweet_ might not have been the most apt adjective to describe her son’s new attitude, he’d undoubtedly become nicer, especially when it came to Judy, who before the accident, he was consistently wary of at best. 

Maybe it was guilt that the accident happened in his new car, maybe it was pity for their injuries, but Jen hoped that it was mostly Judy’s influence that had sparked the change, that Charlie finally had a role model in his life worth rubbing off on him. 

Jen often found herself marvelling at the fact that Charlie had become nice to Judy, considerate even. It was obvious to anyone that Henry loved Judy completely, but the idea that her older son was warming up to her best friend melted something in Jen whenever she witnessed it.

“What about here, mom?” Henry asked, tugging on Jen’s hand, and gesturing at a particularly lumpy patch of sand, “I really like the energy of this spot”.

Jen guessed Charlie wasn’t the only one of her sons Judy had been rubbing off on.

“Sorry boop, but Mommy’s back does not, let’s keep looking”.

About fifteen minutes later, the blankets had been set up on some fairly level ground, the umbrella casting a welcome dome of shade. The boys were sitting in the sand nearby, applying their sunscreen, and Jen fought the urge to tell Henry off for how much sand was already sticking to the poorly spread white streaks on his legs, instead resolving to help him ‘re-apply’ after his first swim. 

Between Judy’s surplus of beach toys and floaties piled around them, as well as the party-sized cooler, Jen wasn’t sure whether her family looked more like beach novices or pros. Either way, their colourful fortress established meant they really and truly were _doing this,_ which meant it was time for Jen to stop awkwardly standing there and to figure out how she could get most comfortable.

“Oh! Jen, I almost forgot,” Judy peeked out from under the umbrella, and crawled behind the cooler. She popped up with a large blue bundle, and began unfolding it. “I got you this when I picked up Henry’s sand pails. The guy said it’s the most supportive one out there. It’s padded and everything!”

It was a beach chair, an expensive-looking one at that, but Jen couldn’t deny it looked really comfortable.

“Aw Jude, you didn’t have to—“

“Please, and have you lay in the sand all day? I wouldn’t dream of it,” Judy patted the seat, oblivious to the fact that that was exactly what Jen thought would be happening. Jen moved towards the chair, squeezing Judy’s hand as she slowly lowered herself into it (curse mid-40s chronic back pain, and FUCK whoever hit them with their car), overwhelmed with Judy’s thoughtfulness.

“It’s comfortable,” Jen assured her, settling into it, “it really is Jude,” she said, meaning it. “Thank you.”

“I know, I’m the sweetest,” Judy said, reading Jen’s mind. She gave Jen a small wink before turning to the boys, her expression changing to somewhere between incredulity and panic. “What the heck are you guys still doing here? Why aren’t you in the water yet!?”

“That’s what I’M saying,” Henry exclaimed, “c’mon Charlie, let’s go,” he asserted, dragging his only somewhat resisting older brother behind him. 

“Be careful!” Jen called out to them, “Charlie, stay with your brother!”

“They’ll be fine,” Judy smiled, “we can watch them great from here, and if they get into a bit of _hot water”_ she nudged Jen lightly, who groaned in response, “I’ll go all Baywatch on them and you can watch me run sexily across the sand”.

“You’re weird, Jude.”

“You love it.”

She did.

“You must be itching to get in there too,” said Jen, sinking deeper into her new chair.

“Oh believe me, I am, I just wanted to finish getting everything settled,” Judy explained.

Jen looked around at their extensive setup, wondering what else Judy could possibly have to take out, or assemble, or _cook_ , or whatever the fuck else she needed to do.

“Judy, what else could possibly need settling?” Jen asked, to which Judy cocked her head to the side, eyeing Jen pointedly, “if you have somehow brought a whole fucking barbecue-“ Jen trailed off, noticing Judy’s raised eyebrows, finally catching her meaning.

“Jude, I’m fine,” Jen assured, “look, I’m so settled,” she insisted, rubbing the arms of her chair for emphasis.

“Jen, you’re wearing a pantsuit.”

“It’s a fucking beachy pantsuit.”

“There’s no such thing.”

“Oh yes there is.”

“Jen…”

“Judy!”

“Look, I packed your swimsuit! Your favourite one too! I debated bullying you into putting it on at home and wearing it under your clothes, but I thought the stakes would be higher if I did the convincing here and now—“

“Judy I’m not fucking six years old, what grown woman wears her bathing suit under her clothes?”

Judy bit her lip.

“Your bathing suit’s under your clothes, isn’t it?”

“Well, I was really excited—“

“Oh Judy.”

“Here, come on, we got here really early, the change rooms won’t be busy, I’ll help you out if you need it, it’ll be over before you know it, and then you can actually enjoy your day without overheating! And maybe later you’ll even dip your toes in the water! Or even just go for a teeny tiny swim! Just a little swimming won’t throw you too out of whack I think—“

“One thing at a time, Jude.”

“Right.”

A few moments later, after Judy had gone to tell Charlie and Henry where they were going, having made Charlie promise to watch his brother, Judy followed Jen into a cramped changing room stall.

It was second nature at this point, that Judy would just _follow_ Jen in there, ready to help if she needed it. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before. 

Judy plonked herself down on the slatted wooden bench, angling herself a little away from Jen, humming to herself slightly. That was the thing with Judy, she’d always tried to give Jen the illusion of privacy, even when right after the accident, Jen was often quite literally naked in front of her. Judy would avert her eyes when helping Jen to bathe or dress, and Jen would follow Judy’s gaze to ‘interesting’ spots on the wall. 

Jen had noticed that Judy was always careful not to stare at her scars, at any part of her body really. It wasn’t that Judy seemed put off by Jen, or uncomfortable even, but she just always acted so damn _professional_ whenever Jen was exposed more than she’d really liked to be. Judy did have a lot of practice working with vulnerable old people. Jen tried not to think too far down that rabbit hole.

Jen unbuttoned her shirt, and tossed it onto the bench beside Judy, thankful that it was early in the day, that moms with hordes of young kids hadn’t had a chance to soak the benches with their towels and dripping swimsuits. 

In the mirror, Jen could see Judy had pulled Jen’s shirt into her lap, folding it neatly, and was smoothing out the wrinkles absentmindedly, still patiently watching the wall opposite Jen. 

Jen pulled off her pants, grimacing with the effort it took to bend down. She stepped into her swimsuit, and attempted to hike the black straps over her arms.

“Fuck, shit,” Jen grumbled, managing to push her left arm through the strap, the right strap now hanging uselessly under her armpit. “Jude, I’m stuck.”

“It has been getting worse again, hasn’t it?” Judy inquired, standing to help Jen. She gently guided Jen’s arm through the loop, Jen wincing slightly with the motion, and straightened the straps across Jen’s shoulders. “I’m telling you, you should make that appointment with your chiropractor.”

“I fucking hate that woman. She’s not even a real doctor,” Jen turned back toward the mirror, and slipped her hairband off her wrist. She raised her arms a little before grimacing, and returned them to her sides in a huff.

“She’s just trying to help,” Judy offered, coming up behind Jen. Jen handed her the hairband, and Judy gathered Jen’s hair into a loose ponytail.

“She tried to get me to join her pyramid scheme.”

“Okay, maybe you need a new chiropractor,” Judy nodded, laying her hands on Jen’s shoulders, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

“You think?” Jen asked, raising her eyebrows. 

“You need someone to straighten you out, you’re really fucking tense,” Judy said squeezing Jen’s shoulders lightly. 

“Oh- fuck.” Jen gasped. Judy’s thumb had pressed a throbbing knot Jen didn’t even know she had. “Wait, Jude, could you do that again?” Jen asked.

“Do what?” Judy asked, stepping back, lifting her hands off of Jen, “Are you okay, what happened?”

“No! Come back! Can you squeeze my shoulders again? Just like you did before, exactly like you did before.”

A little hesitant, Judy groped around Jen’s shoulders, Jen directing her fingers back to the knot until—

“OH! Yes!” Jen exclaimed. “Fuck, right there Judy.” Judy pressed into the knot, rubbing small circles with her thumb, smiling at the reaction she was eliciting from Jen. Jen rolled her eyes back as Judy continued to work. “Ohhhh my GOD, Jude,” Jen practically moaned.

“Shhh, Jen!” Judy laughed, amused with Jen’s unrestrained reactions, “people are gonna think there’s a lot more than a shoulder massage happening in here”.

“But it feels soooo good,” Jen drawled, a little quieter this time, letting herself relax into Judy’s touch.

“Then you’ll finally let me start giving you massages at home? Like I’ve asked you a million times?”

“Mmmm,” Jen groaned.

“I’ll take that as a yes. We can light candles, and— oh! We can use that new peppermint oil I got. Or maybe you’d like the lavender one better—” Judy trailed off, realizing Jen’s eyes were closed. “At home, okay? We can do it tonight. It’ll be a hell of a lot more relaxing than having a stand up massage in a beach change room.”

Almost on cue, a loud clatter outside their stall broke Jen’s reverie, followed by a woman’s shrill scolding, and a toddler’s crocodile tears.

“Tanner! So help me if you don’t pick that up right now, we are getting back in the car and going home. I mean it! Pick it up! Mckenna, stop biting your sister!” 

“It’s time to get out of here isn’t it?” sighed Jen.

“Yeah, I think that would be best.”

Jen undid the latch while Judy gathered the rest of Jen’s clothes, and followed Jen out into the change room hallway where a woman with streaky highlights was standing sternly above her three children. The boy, Tanner, was sprawled out on the floor, red in the face, tears in his eyes, a plastic bucket toppled on the floor, toys strewn everywhere. As Jen and Judy made their way past, he began throwing the toys indiscriminately down the hall, and into a few open change rooms. 

Jen and Judy quietly tiptoed around the group, Judy giving the mom an apologetic smile, just as the youngest girl, the biting victim Jen assumed, began to scream.

“Sheesh,” Judy said, once they were back in the sun. 

“I know. Charlie was a handful, but at least he was never a brat.”

“No, I meant the mom. Did you see the look she gave me?” Judy asked.

“What? No. What the fuck’s her problem?”

“Right?” Judy shook it off, taking a deep breath, and like she’d forgotten where they were, or with something like childish glee, Judy turned to Jen, practically jumping up and down as they headed back to their spot. “Jen!”

“Yeah Jude?”

“We’re at the beach!”

“Yeah, Jude,” Jen laughed as Judy took her hand, forcing Jen to walk a little faster than she would’ve liked, but not minding it too much because even though they were only half an hour from where they lived, Judy was _so_ freaking excited to be there. How could she possibly tell her to slow down? 


	3. Sandcastles and Self-Restraint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry really could have been Judy’s all along. Even though one set was blue, and the other like honey, Jen thought that they had the same puppy dog eyes. 
> 
> Jen loved watching them together. 
> 
> But if Jen wasn’t mistaken, she wasn’t the only one who’d been watching Judy and Henry play. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for some drama! 
> 
> This chapter has a lot of profanity in it, so if that's not your thing, I'm sorry, and if it is, we would probably be very good friends.
> 
> Stan Judy Hale. And stan TotallyNotGay Jen Harding.

Safely back in her chair, Jen watched Judy and Henry in the distance as they packed wet sand into the molds Judy had brought, overturning them into mounds as they built up their sand castle. Naturally, it looked a lot better on Judy’s side, though not for her lack of trying to help Henry out with his. Jen’s son seemed more preoccupied with keeping one of Judy’s legs buried in the sand, reaching to pack more over it every time she moved and disturbed his casting.

Jen watched them giggle from over her book that at this point she might as well have been pretending to read. She’d much rather watch the sheer ridiculousness of Judy trying to sculpt with her distracted son. Judy might have been well versed in instructing the elderly, but teaching art to a kid was a whole different story, though Judy didn’t seem to mind the challenges. 

Charlie was laying on his blanket near Jen, blocking the world out with his headphones and sunglasses. He’d swam with Henry until Jen and Judy had returned from the change room, at which point he announced it was time for him to relax, and if he fell asleep, to flip him over every half an hour or so, ‘for even browning’. 

Jen had rolled her eyes, assuring him that neither she nor Judy would be responsible for his desire to impersonate a rotisserie chicken. 

When they had returned from the change room, Judy had excitedly pulled off her purple floral dress to reveal what Jen thought was a new bikini. The dark green suited Judy, it complimented her tanned skin, and the cut Judy had chosen fit her body well. ‘ _How couldn’t it?’_ Jen found herself thinking.

Judy had a fantastic body. She was fucking gorgeous. And man, she had great breasts.

Jen was allowed to think that, wasn’t she? She’d thought that about friends she’d had in college, friends had told her the same back in the day. Women thought that stuff all the time, would often tell each other as much. Judy being fucking gorgeous was an objective fact— women always complimented each other like that.

But for some reason, Jen didn’t think she’d be sharing her thoughts with Judy.

Instead, she’d watched Judy take off with Henry, until they were splashing each other in the shallow water, their laughter carrying back to Jen. Eventually, they grew tired and returned to their base for some drinks from the cooler, and after a quick check in with Jen, headed back to build their castle near the water.

Jen saw a lot of similarities between Judy and Henry— the sensitivity, the creativity, the kindness. Jen often wondered where Henry had gotten it from, because it sure as hell hadn’t been Jen, and while Ted had been more of a ‘free spirit’, he’d never been as kind. 

Henry really could have been Judy’s all along. Even though one set was blue, and the other like honey, Jen thought that they had the same puppy dog eyes. 

Jen loved watching them together. 

But if Jen wasn’t mistaken, she wasn’t the only one who’d been watching Judy and Henry play. 

The mom from the change room, Jen had subconsciously nicknamed her ‘Streaks’ after her bad highlight job, had set up her own family’s base a little too close for Jen’s liking. 

It was lucky Streaks had sent her kids further down the beach to play, because if the screaming and crying in the change room was any indicator of how loud those kids could be when they were _happy,_ Jen might have found herself bribing Charlie to give her his headphones. 

A little after Streaks had gotten set up, a man and what Jen assumed were his two kids, a boy and a girl, maybe 10 and 8, joined Streaks’ party. The man had sent his kids off to play, and was now tanning near his— _girlfriend?_ Jen assumed. While Streaks read her magazine, yammering on about who knows what, Jen was almost sure the man had been checking out Judy behind his aviators, right from the moment she’d flung off her flowy, purple dress.

Jen was disgusted by him. It was true, his girlfriend didn’t hold a candle to Judy, and her throng of whiny toddlers certainly didn’t help her case, but that didn’t make the man’s creepy staring okay, didn’t justify the way he turned his head slightly every now and then for what Jen could only assume would be a better view as Judy and Henry moved around.

She thought about telling him off, yelling out something about where he could _‘stick his aviators, Fucko!’_

But Jen kept it to herself, not wanting to embarrass Judy, and weirdly, not wanting to embarrass Streaks. But if he so much as SPOKE to Judy, well, he would have another thing coming.

Jen gave up on her book, and tried to push the man out of her mind, instead deciding to take her cue from Charlie, who by now she was pretty sure was asleep, and just try to unwind. She sank into her chair, letting the sounds of the ocean lull her. 

She watched as in the distance, Judy gingerly freed her buried leg. She said something to Henry and ruffled his hair with a smile, and then waded out into the water a little, leaving a cheery Henry to work on their sandcastle nearby. 

Judy looked at peace in the water, seemed relaxed by the gentle waves. Every so often, Judy would let herself just float for a few moments, staring up at the sky. Jen wondered what she was thinking about.

Maybe Judy had the right idea, the beach was a pretty nice place to be. Her family was together, content in their individual activities— Charlie’s dozing, Henry’s playing, Judy’s swimming. 

Jen let herself relax, enjoying the sights and sounds, deeply breathing in the sea air. Jen could feel her eyelids getting heavy, the heat always made her sleepy, and the gently lapping water wasn’t helping. Well, Jen reasoned, if she fell asleep for a bit, it was her business.

Jen had almost drifted off when she heard Henry yelling in the distance.

“HEY! WHAT’D YOU DO THAT FOR?” she could hear him shouting. Jen’s eyes shot open.

Judy was getting out of the water, heading towards Henry, who was kneeling by what a moment ago had been their castle, but now was really just a pile of sand.

Jen could see kids sprinting away from Henry, the pervy guy’s kids, tripping over each other in the sand, and honest to god— laughing— at Henry’s distress.

Henry started chasing the kids, yelling after them as they picked up their pace. Judy started running after Henry, trying to get him to calm down. 

The commotion had caught the attention of Streaks and Dickhead (another of Jen’s subconscious nicknames), who merely looked up a little apathetically, and rolled their eyes at each other. 

“Kids,” Jen heard Dickhead mutter.

Jen was seething. 

She mustered all the strength she had, and using the arms of her chair as support, slowly pushed herself up to stand, blowing out quick short breaths as her back screamed in agony, but she didn’t care, she was going to go give them a piece of her mind.

She marched over to Streaks and Dickhead, a little wobbly at first, but she found her footing, and put herself between the sun and the couple, hands on her hips, casting a long shadow over where they lay. 

“Hey!” Jen shouted. “Are you just gonna let your little fucking gremlins do whatever they want to whoever they want, or are you gonna grow some _balls_ and actually do some parenting? Because what happened over there— you know, when your kids destroyed my kid’s sandcastle for no _fucking_ reason— it’s not what decent fucking human beings do, okay?”

Jen’s yelling had woken Charlie, who was now walking up to meet Jen, a little confused, just as Judy and Henry were making their way back, Judy’s arm around the boy, steering him towards Jen as she rubbed his shoulder reassuringly, trying to soothe him.

Judy was looking up at Jen, eyes wide, saying _‘Jen, are you really gonna yell at these people over a sandcastle?_ ’ without saying anything at all. 

“Language!” Streaks retorted, “there are _children_ here, _lady_ , yours included, so I suggest if you wanna talk to me, you take a different tone—“

“Tone? You must be fucking tone _deaf_! Did you not hear what your kids just did?” Jen asked, incredulous.

“They’re his kids,” Streaks injected.

“Whatever! What kind of _example_ are you setting for them, letting them walk all over other kids like that?”

“You’re one to talk about setting examples. You think I didn’t know what was going on in that change room?” she looked smug. 

Jen didn’t really hear her, she was too angry, too focused on the gross way Streak’s bright pink lip gloss stuck together a little every time she opened her damn mouth.

Dickhead interrupted, addressing Judy, who’d extended a calming arm to Jen, trying to pull her back a bit. 

“Hey, tell your _wife_ to calm the hell down. It’s just kids being kids, what’s the big deal?” The way he said the word, _wife,_ like he was disgusted, like he had any reason to be, really really grinded Jen’s gears. He’d said it like he was the one allowed to be offended, and Jen did not have patience for _that_ today.

“How about you stop being a homophobic asshole and start taking some fucking responsibility,” Jen hissed, no longer yelling. She said it pointedly, coldly, almost like a whisper, and after, let Judy steer her and Henry back toward their umbrella. 

And it was quiet, almost too quiet for Jen to hear, but he’d said it, it was unmistakable.

‘ _Fucking dykes,”_ he’d muttered. Jen felt something in her stomach drop, and for what felt like the first time in her life, she decided she NEEDED to restrain herself, and with every ounce of restraint she could muster, she let Judy (god, she hoped Judy hadn’t heard him) continue to steer her back toward Charlie, who was still looking a little confused, and still a little sleepy. 

Jen took a deep breath, could see Judy talking to Charlie, could see that Judy was still holding Henry’s hand. But the blood in her ears was too loud to hear anything else but her rage, and she saw Judy passing Henry’s hand to Charlie, saw her sons returning to the pile of sand that had been the castle, could see Charlie looking to Henry for direction as he helped him rebuild, and Judy was squeezing her hand, leading her back into her chair, and then Jen could hear again, she could hear Judy saying something to her.

“Jen?” Judy asked, tentatively. “You okay?” Judy was kneeling beside her, looking at her with something maybe like sympathy, something almost unreadable in those wide puppy eyes. 

Jen still wasn’t sure if she trusted herself to speak. She’d never been called a slur before, she’d been called a bitch before, sure, plenty of times, but that was different, that was harmless, that was true, sometimes even warranted, and only ever directed at Jen, but _this_ , this was directed at Judy too.

How fucking dare he? How fucking _dare_ he have the nerve to say something like that about Judy? Judy, who was nothing but love and sunshine, who he had the gall to ogle at as long as it still pleased him, how fucking dare he even _think_ about her.

And they weren’t even together, it wasn’t even true! What gave him the fucking right to make assumptions, to say anything at all?

Jen took another breath, and turned to Judy, staring into those pools of honey that always felt like home. She really hoped Judy hadn’t heard him.

“I’m so sorry Jude,” Jen said, rubbing Judy’s arm. “I know how much you wanted to have fun today”

“What do you mean, _wanted?_ Jen, I’m having fun! I swear! I mean those kids were dickbags of course, and those parents, ugh,” she made a sour face, “but it happens, and as long as Henry’s feeling better about it, that’s all that matters.”

Jen guessed she hadn’t heard what the spineless asshole had muttered. That was definitely for the best.

“Well, I’m sorry for getting all freaked out,” Jen gave Judy a tight lipped smile. 

“It’s only natural to react like that,” Judy assured her.

Jen gave Judy a look.

“For you,” Judy clarified.

Over Judy’s head, Jen could see Streaks and Dickhead packing up their sad little setup, and moving further down the beach, further away from Jen and Judy. _Good riddance,_ Jen thought. 

“You promise you’re having an okay time?” Jen asked Judy. 

“The best,” Judy smiled, crossing her heart, “I promise,” and then, after a moment, “but I’d be having an even better time if you did me one little favour.”

Jen knew where this was going, and she didn’t like it, but couldn’t bring herself to shake the smile that spread across her face as Judy looked at her, eagerly, conspiring.

“Fine!” Jen said, shaking her head. “But only up to the knees.”

“We’ll see about that!” Judy winked, pulling Jen up out of her chair, looping their arms together as she led them towards the water, Jen leaning into Judy for support, just like she always did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned, next chapter we will head back home, and things will probably get a little 'confessy'! 
> 
> Thank you for all the feedback so far, the comments are really motivating, and I appreciate the hell out of them.
> 
> Until next time!


	4. Working Through It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think we need to talk,” Jen said, rubbing Judy’s arm.
> 
> “Do we have to?” Judy looked up at her, those puppy dog eyes holding too much behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Buckle up, cuz this one's a ride xx

The rest of the day at the beach had gone smoothly. 

Judy had gotten Jen in the water, and though it was more of a wade than a swim, Jen felt refreshed, and as she’d gripped Judy’s wet hand— the only thing keeping her upright in the gentle waves— it seemed like Judy literally couldn’t stop smiling, so evidently, Jen knew she made the right choice giving in. 

The four of them had enjoyed the huge lunch and many, many snacks Judy had packed, and the boys, even Charlie, had made good use of Judy’s beach toys, even if Charlie only used the beach ball to get a group of teen girls to hang out with him.

By the time the sun started setting, they were all exhausted, and ready to head back home. 

Not having the energy to cook, and without the patience to wait for delivery, Jen and Judy decided that they’d get takeout for dinner. They wanted to stop at the Thai restaurant on their way home, but Henry had to pee, so they decided to drop the boys at the house first, and double back for the food. 

They returned home with their takeout, and Judy got out of the car, going around to the passenger side to take the stack of hot noodles and curry off of Jen’s lap. From the driveway, the women could see that the lights were on in the backyard, could hear the boys were watching television in the outdoor living room.

“Do you wanna just eat outside?” Jen asked, wanting to prolong Judy’s day of fun just a little more.

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“I thought that couch was a no-go with your back and all?”

“I can pull up one of the patio chairs.”

“Only if you’re sure!” Judy smiled, and led them around the back. The boys seemed to not have noticed that Jen and Judy had returned; they were facing the screen, Henry flipping channels, Charlie glued to his phone.

“Should we sneak up on them?” Judy asked, lowering her voice to a conspiring whisper.

Jen only rolled her eyes in response, but Judy set down the containers on the patio, and crept up quietly, ready to pounce on Charlie, with Jen following a little behind, watching the ridiculousness unfold. 

But as they approached the boys, they could hear them talking.

“Are mom and Judy girlfriends?” Henry was asking.

Judy froze.

“What?” Charlie asked, it seemed like he hadn’t really been listening.

“Are mom and Judy girlfriends?” Henry asked again, “I thought Michelle was Judy’s girlfriend.”

“Not anymore, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

“Wait, so is Judy _mom_ ’s girlfriend now? Why do people never tell me things?”

“What? No!” said Charlie, “No. Mom isn’t— It’s not like that with them.”

“Why not?”

“Honestly Hen, I don’t know.”

Jen could feel her face getting hot, she looked to Judy, who was no longer making eye contact, still in a ridiculous creeping pose, but still far enough from the boys that Jen thought they could pretend they’d just walked into the yard.

“Boys!” Jen called out, picking up her pace, and gesturing for Judy to pick up the food. “Dinner.”

Judy picked up the containers, and headed towards the boys like nothing had happened, a smile plastered on her face, still not making eye contact with Jen. 

An hour later, empty takeout containers strewn about the outdoor living room, it seemed like Judy had decided to ignore the conversation they’d overheard. At least, she was meeting Jen’s eyes again. 

They were watching a movie, some superhero shit that was only ten minutes in when Henry had flipped to it, and while the only person who really seemed invested in the movie was Henry, everyone else was too full and too tired to get up and move any time soon. 

Jen was barely registering the movie. She couldn’t stop thinking about Judy.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the way she’d frozen at the mention of Michelle’s name. She’d thought Judy had made progress, thought that even though she was probably still sad, that she’d been becoming more and more _okay_ as time passed. It seemed like Jen had been wrong.

As she’d pulled up the patio chair for Jen, and chosen a seat on the far end of the couch for herself, Judy had not been cold, but she’d not been _Judy._

As they’d eaten, and for the first half of the movie, Jen kept trying to catch Judy’s eye, to share one of their looks that had come to mean _‘things are weird but that’s okay’_ , but when Jen did manage to catch Judy looking in her direction, Judy would only give her a fleeting, half-assed grin.

But sometime after what Jen thought might’ve been the movie’s fourth explosion, Judy had excused herself, gone into the house for a few minutes, and returned chipper as ever, squeezing Jen’s hand on the way back to her seat, smiling widely at Jen when Henry would react out loud to whatever was happening on the screen (he was a very expressive viewer).

And Jen was reminded of that night, when Judy had turned up in her trademark floral pyjamas, seemingly having recovered from her post-breakup sadness.

And Jen hated herself for not seeing how much Judy was still hurting, hated that she’d not said anything sooner.

Just the mention of Michelle’s name tonight had threatened to put Judy back into that horrible state of puffy-eyed grief, or worse, Jen suddenly realized, it revealed that Judy had just gotten better at hiding it, that she'd never gotten out of her grief to begin with.

Jen hated herself for thinking that giving Judy space had been the right answer. Judy wasn’t an _‘I need my space’_ kind of person. 

Jen had to talk to her. It’s what Judy would do.

The movie ended, and Jen felt sore and groggy, but she knew it had to be tonight. She couldn’t wait another day and lose her nerve.

She decided she needed a shower first, a chance to wake herself up a bit and clear her head, so she could work out exactly how she was going to approach the subject in order to minimize Judy’s inevitable crying, and ultimately, to make her feel better, and not _worse_ about the whole thing.

They stacked the empty food containers and brought them inside, and Jen sent Henry up to bed, Charlie saying he was going to go play video games in his room.

“Hey Jude?” Jen prompted, as Judy sorted the dinner scraps from the recyclables. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m gonna go shower now, meet me up in the room after?”

“Oh,” Judy furrowed her brow a little, “I was kinda thinking the guest house might be better, don’t you?”

Jen was taken aback. Judy wanted to sleep in the guest house?

“You want— you said the guest house?” Jen tried to keep her tone even.

“Yeah!” Judy smiled.

Shit, this was going to be harder than she thought.

“Well, um, Jude?”

“Yeah?” Judy asked, still casually scraping stray bits of noodle into the compost.

“Can I still— uh, meet you there for a bit?”

“Well duh,” Judy chuckled, shaking her head, like Jen was the one acting weird. “Do you want any help in the shower? I know it’s been kind of a brutal day.”

“No no, I’m good. I’ll uh, see you after then.”

“Okay!”

_What the fuck was that?_

And even though it was true, Jen’s back was fucking throbbing, and she probably really could’ve used the help, Jen needed that shower to think, to figure out how the fuck she was supposed to fix Judy.

…

Jen walked to the guest house, her damp hair soaking the back of her bathrobe.

She heard music, and— _water?_ It was coming from inside the guest house. 

Jen pushed open the door, suddenly realizing why Judy had suggested the guest house, relief washing over her. Her Judy wasn’t _that_ far gone.

Around the room, Judy had lit a few of her candles, and the room smelt of recently burnt incense. 

The sounds were coming from Judy’s little speaker, her phone screen lit up with album art of a trickling stream, and as Jen approached, she could see it was part of a playlist titled ‘Calm’. Jen shook her head, smiling.

The massage. How could Jen have forgotten about the massage?

Judy came out of the bathroom, shrugging on her blue floral housecoat.

“Oh, good, I was just about to come get you,” Judy smiled, before remembering something, and disappearing back into the bathroom, reappearing with a small stack of towels. She laid them over the bedspread, explaining over her shoulder, “We do _not_ wanna get the oil on your sheets,” she said, and then, quieter, “I can’t make that mistake again.”

“Jude, you didn’t have to go to all this trouble—“

“Please, I’ve been waiting to get my hands on those knots for months, but it was always “ _I’m too tired, it’s not going to do anything, insurance will pay a professional to do it—“_

“Judy,” Jen looked at her sweet best friend, wondering how and when she’d become so good at pretending. But what she really couldn’t understand, was why Judy felt the need to in front of Jen. 

“Jen?” Judy patted the bed, motioning for Jen to come lie down.

Here Judy was, broken-hearted, still doing everything in her power to help Jen out, beyond what was reasonable, beyond what was extraordinary.

And though Jen finally felt ready, though she knew she had to say something tonight, she realized she might have to put off her intervention for after the massage. Judy had gone through too much trouble for it to be wasted. She couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t have the heart. 

“You’re too fucking nice to me, you know that?” Jen asked, shaking her head as she complied. She took off her robe, and suddenly realizing that her loose t-shirt and pyjama bottoms might not really fly, looked to Judy for confirmation.

“The shirt’s gotta go,” Judy looked a little apologetic, before averting her eyes, like always.

With only a little difficulty, Jen brought the hem over her head, and tossed the shirt onto the chair in the corner, before taking her place face down on the bed, resting her forehead on her folded arms in front of her. 

“Sorry we don’t have one of those little face hole things. If you start suffocating, yell, okay?”

“I can breathe Jude.”

“Good.”

Jen could hear Judy gathering more supplies, setting down bottles nearby, and then Jen could hear Judy rubbing her hands together, trying to get them warm.

“I thought we’d go with the peppermint oil after all,” Judy said, but she didn’t have to, Jen could smell it, and it smelt nice.

And when Judy’s fingertips found Jen’s back, Jen couldn’t help but relax underneath them. The pressure was firm, yet gentle, Judy’s small fingers working carefully on the knots of tension in Jen’s neck, her shoulders, and it felt so, so good. 

Judy had obviously done this before. 

“Now, where was that spot that we found earlier?” Judy asked, mostly to herself, as her thumbs found it right as the words left her lips, and all of a sudden, Jen heard someone moan, loudly, and then, realizing it had been her, felt herself go a little hot.

“Sorry,” Jen said.

“It’s all good,” Judy laughed, as she continued to work. 

Judy’s fingers were pressing harder now, and Jen found herself humming involuntarily under the pressure. Why hadn’t she let Judy do this before?

“Hey Jude?”

“Hmm?”

“There’s this spot I can feel just a little further—“

“Here?”

“No, a little further?”

“Here?”

“Oh, keep going, uhhh— THERE! Fuck! Yeah. Oh my god,” Jen’s eyes were practically rolling back in her head. “Sorry for being so— oooh— bossy,” Jen finished.

“Hey no, this is good, keep directing me.”

“There’s this really tight spot near my side,” Jen said.

Judy moved her fingers.

“The other side,” Jen clarified. 

Judy’s fingers relocated.

“Further,” said Jen.

The fingers moved just a little bit.

“Further,” Jen repeated.

“My arms aren’t that long, Jen,” Judy laughed, “with the bed against the wall, I can’t really— Well, I guess I could, but it might get a little, uh, personal? 

“Personal?” Jen asked.

“Like um,” Judy was closer to her now, resting one knee on the bed, “intimate?” 

“Jude, you’ve seen everything my body has to offer.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

Jen felt the bed lean a little to the side as Judy hiked one of her legs over Jen, straddling her hips from behind. She started to work on Jen’s side, and Jen started to moan. She couldn’t fucking help it.

“It’s a good thing that mom from the change room can’t hear you now,” Judy giggled. 

“Why’s that?”

“You know, after what she said,” Judy trailed off, not elaborating enough for Jen to catch her meaning.

“What? She said a lot of things, Jude.”

“You know!” Judy insisted, but when Jen didn’t answer, she clarified, quietly, “about knowing what was going on in our change room.”

Jen laughed. 

“Oh my god, I must’ve missed that. I could barely even register what she was saying because of the—“

“Lip gloss?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Oof,” Jen shuddered at the memory.

“Yeah, not the best look for her,” Judy conceded.

“I’m sorry those people were dicks, Jude. I know you said it didn’t bother you, but dicks deserve to be yelled at a little."

“Mhmm.”

“And he called me your _wife?”_ Jen laughed, suddenly remembering, _“_ Could you believe it?”

“Yeah,” Judy said. Her voice seemed to be getting quieter, her fingers not working quite as hard. 

“Yeah, what’s with that?”

“With what?” Judy’s fingers had stopped.

“Everyone thinking we’re together?”

Judy didn’t respond. Jen heard her sniff.

“Hey, could you just,“ Judy was pulling herself off of Jen, her voice shaky, “I just need to go get some— go to the—“ Judy was back on her feet, “water,” and before Jen could get herself into a sitting position, she heard the door to the guest house bathroom shut. 

She could hear Judy sniffling on the other side of the door, and then she heard the tap start to run as well as her sniffling, and Jen realized just how ineffective that trick really was, and thought about all the times she’d used running water to drown out her own crying and remembered why she’d done it, and she got herself off the bed and into her robe and paused the trickling stream track, and knocked on the door that Judy was fully crying on the other side of.

After a moment, Jen heard Judy blowing her nose, heard the tap go off, and the bathroom door opened, and Judy’s eyes were huge and wet and Jen took Judy in her arms and led her back to the bed, and together they sat on the edge, Judy’s head laid on Jen’s shoulder, and Jen held Judy to her, and when Judy had stopped shaking so badly, Jen spoke.

“I think we need to talk,” Jen said, rubbing Judy’s arm.

“Do we have to?” Judy looked up at her, those puppy dog eyes holding too much behind them.

“We do,” Jen nodded, and took Judy’s hand in hers. “What’s going on with you, Jude?” Jen asked, rubbing her thumb against Judy’s knuckles. 

“Not much, what about you?” Judy asked, meekly forcing a smile, her bottom lip wavering a little, then giving out completely, and she was crying.

Jen pulled Judy into her, stroking her hair as she soothed her, Judy’s tears soaking Jen’s robe.

“I know things have been hard for you after you and Michelle broke up,” Jen began.

“It doesn’t matter what happened with me and Michelle,” Judy said into Jen’s shoulder.

“Judy, it might help—" Jen started again, "if you were willing to talk about it, get your feelings out, then maybe you could finally let yourself move on.”

“Move on?” Judy’s head shot up, looking at Jen with disbelief.

“Yeah, Jude!” Jen retorted, suddenly defensive, “Or win her back, or whatever the fuck makes sense! Let me fucking help you through this, Judy!”

Judy was quiet as she stared at Jen, her eyes searching, coming up with nothing. 

“You mean it’s not fucking obvious to you? Like it is to literally _everyone_ else?”

“Judy, what do you—“

“You really haven’t realized—“ Judy sounded almost angry.

“Judy—“

“This,” Judy said, gesturing at the tears matted down her face, “is not because of Michelle, Jen.”

“Judy, come on,” Jen fought the urge to roll her eyes, “if it’s not Michelle—“

“It’s not Michelle, Jen. It’s you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oblivious Jen is so frustrating, isn't she? 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	5. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy took a deep breath. 
> 
> “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
> 
> “There’s no fucking way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for the distress xx

“What the fuck does that mean, Judy?”

“No, I’m sorry. Forget it,” Judy was wiping her face with the back of her hands.

“Look— I know I’m not exactly the easiest fucking sunshine happy days person to be around but I’m fucking TRYING here Judy!

“Jen—“

“I mean fuck! Did I _do_ something to you?” _Aside from the obvious,_ Jen thought.

But this couldn’t still be about Steve. They were long past that whole mess. They’d been free of those shadows for too long, they’d been free ever since Perez let Jen go, ever since Charlie admitted he found the letters but decided not to read them, decided that after the thumb drive, he just didn’t want to know. 

No, this wasn’t about Steve. It wasn’t about any of that crap. If it were, Judy would’ve told Jen, Jen would’ve seen it written on her face. This was something else entirely. Judy had said it herself, this was about _Jen_. How could she have fucked up so bad without even noticing, without Judy saying something _,_ saying _anything_. 

“No, Jen. It’s not—“

“THEN WHAT, JUDY?” Jen was angry. She needed answers now. Because from where she was sitting, it seemed like Judy had just admitted that Jen was the reason for all of her unhappiness, for her strange behaviour, for those nights spent sniffling in bed and those puffy-eyed mornings. It sounded like Judy had just said that it was Jen who’d broken her after all, and that thought was just too much to fucking handle.

But there was something in Judy’s eyes. Something that made Jen stop yelling, and made her realize that she’d been gripping Judy’s wrist too hard, so she released it, and Judy shrugged her arm back, wrapping her arms around herself as she stared at Jen, her eyes filled with tears, chewing ever so slightly on her bottom lip. Judy looked scared, she looked hurt, she looked _guilty._

And Jen wasn’t exactly sure why she asked it, but somehow she felt like it was the only way she was going to get any answers that made sense.

“Judy, what happened with you and Michelle?”

Judy took a deep breath. 

“You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“There’s no fucking way.”

So Judy told her. She told her everything. She made Jen first promise not to interrupt, to let her say everything she needed to before she did.

She told Jen how Michelle had asked her to move in, and how Judy had pretended to think about it, how she’d changed the subject each time Michelle brought it up.

How she couldn’t accept Michelle’s invitation because she wasn’t ready, didn’t think she could ever be ready to take that next step with her, even though she wanted to, even though she knew she should.

She explained that she’d been picturing her future since she was a little girl, and there’d be herself and somebody and children and love, but the faces were always blank; she could never really put a face on who was holding her in those daydreams, even when she’d been with Steve, even for all those years.

But then all of a sudden the person had a face, and it was scary and wonderful and horrible because it was wrong and she tried to replace it with Michelle’s but it never worked, even at their best. 

And she might’ve loved Michelle, but she just wasn’t _it._ No matter how hard Judy tried, no matter how bad she wanted her to be. 

And she told Jen how Michelle had found out Judy was sleeping in Jen’s bed when she wasn’t with her, and how Michelle had gotten angry, and asked too many questions, and they’d ended it soon after, both agreeing it was for the best.

And it all poured out of Judy like she’d been holding it in for too long, like it had been clawing out of her and she’d been doing everything she could to keep from exploding, and she was shaking and Jen knew she needed to hold Judy’s hands in hers to keep her from floating away.

And Jen was hearing what Judy was saying but she hadn’t really _said_ it yet, and Jen needed to make sure, she needed to hear it, she needed Judy to actually say it.

“Judy,” Jen started, looking deep into Judy’s eyes, her voice barely above a whisper. “Whose face do you see?” She had to ask, even though she already knew the answer.

Judy sighed.

“It’s you, Jen. It’s always gonna be you,” Judy took a shaky breath, and then, “I’m in love with you, Jen. And I know it’s not fair, but it’s the truth. I’ve loved you since the day you asked me to move in with you and your boys. I couldn’t help it. I can’t help it. And I know it’s not fair of me to put that on you so if you want me to go, I’ll go. I will. But I promise, if you let me stay, we can forget I ever said anything. I know you love me, Jen, not in the same way, but I know _you_ , and I know that you might not be _in_ love with me but you love me in your way, and if you could keep loving me after I’ve said all this than that’s enough. That’s more than enough for me. I just want you in my future, Jen. You and the boys. You, this family, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Jen felt like she wasn’t there, like she wasn’t in the room, that she had stumbled into someone else’s life because none of this made sense, but it maybe also did, and Jen still somehow felt angry and she wasn’t sure why.

“Why now, Judy?” Jen asked, her voice coming out smaller than she meant it to. “What’s changed?”

“Apparently I’m not a very good actor.”

And Jen heard herself laugh, because no, Judy wasn’t, so how hadn’t Jen noticed this before? Why hadn’t she seen it? Why wasn’t it completely obvious?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jen asked, her eyes falling to her lap. She couldn’t look at Judy, she wasn’t sure how to. She released Judy’s hands from hers. She hadn’t realized she’d still been holding them. 

“Why?”

“Yeah, Judy.” And it came out harsher than she'd intended, but she didn’t trust herself to say any more.

“I mean, Jen you’re—“

“What?” she asked, her eyes snapping back up to Judy’s.

“Jen,” Judy breathed, Jen could hear the exasperation as her voice cracked, “you’re straight!”

“Says who?” and it surprised Jen too, coming out of her own mouth.

“You—“ Judy looked taken aback, “Jen, you have a Peloton.”

Jen stood, she felt her head spinning, her heart was beating too fast. She needed to breathe, needed air that wasn’t heavy with incense and peppermint oil and and the sweet scent of Judy’s shampoo.

“I need—“ Jen found herself pacing a bit, “space,” she finished, and she left the guest house, letting the door swing shut behind her.

But Jen only made it a few steps. She barged back into the guest house, and she felt awkward in her body, her footsteps felt too heavy, and she stood in front of the bed where Judy sat, slumped over her knees, pulling at her hair. 

“Judy,” Jen said, and she could hear the waver in her own voice. “I don’t want you to go.”

Judy lifted her chin, and stared up at Jen, and Jen felt something give inside her at the sight of Judy’s matted bangs and wild eyes, and Jen felt like she was going to pass out, but she had to make sure that Judy knew she was still wanted here, she’d always be wanted here, she had to make sure Judy wasn’t going to do something stupid while Jen figured shit out. 

“No matter what, you have a family here, okay?” Jen said, and she could feel hot tears in her eyes. Everything was blurry, and her head was spinning. She needed some time to fucking think. Jen swallowed hard. “But maybe you’d better stay in the guest house tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for going on this journey with me so far. Stay tuned for some resolutions.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	6. Feelings and Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And maybe Jen had gotten into the habit of reaching out for Judy, of pulling Judy closer to her and keeping her there, being comforted by her presence, relaxed by the smell of her shampoo, the warmth of her skin.
> 
> But that didn’t mean she was gay, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello welcome to feelings fest 2020, enjoy!

In her bedroom, the words played in her head like an unfinished song.

_“Are mom and Judy girlfriends?”_

_“You really haven’t realized?”_

_“It’s you, Jen. It’s always gonna be you.”_

Jen felt ill. 

She sat on the edge of her bed, breathing hard, trying to sort through the soup Judy had made out of her brain.

_“I’m in love with you, Jen.”_

Judy, _her Judy_ — in love with her? Where the fuck had this come from and why hadn’t she seen it before? 

They said _‘I love you’_ to each other all the time, and Jen meant it when she did. She thought they’d been on the same page about what it meant, that they both knew that they were each other’s _person_ and they loved each other but that didn’t mean they were _in_ love. Right?

Jen knew early on in their friendship that Judy had dated women, ever since one of their late night phone calls when they’d discussed problematic exes. In truth, Jen hadn’t been the least bit surprised when Judy had mentioned a Caroline she’d dated just out of college, with whom the sex was _‘fucking unbelievable’_ but was kind of a shitty person otherwise. 

Jen had never let Judy’s interest in women affect their friendship; it was the 21st century for fuck’s sake. Jen might’ve been a bitch but she wasn’t a fucking republican. 

But now, Jen couldn’t help but wonder if she’d led Judy on. 

Maybe they’d crossed _conventional_ friendship boundaries, maybe most friends weren’t quite so close, but they didn’t exactly become friends under conventional circumstances. They’d been through too much together to not come out of it all as co-dependent confidantes. 

And it was _Judy,_ someone who Jen assumed didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘boundaries’, had never cared to learn it, and never needed to because she was just so fucking lovable it was stupid. 

_“You’re straight!”_ Judy had said, and she was right, so why did Jen feel so offended by it? And— why did a part of her not want it to be true?

It was true, right? It couldn’t _not_ be. 

_Right?_

Because Jen was almost 50, and if she’d been into women she’d have known by now. 

Sure, she’d noticed that Judy was attractive. She wasn’t fucking blind.

Of course she’d noticed Judy had great breasts and strong arms, and that her legs looked kind of insane in short skirts. 

And she might’ve noticed that Judy swayed her hips when she walked, and maybe her eyes had lingered on the strip of skin between Judy’s blouse and skirt when she’d reach for things in the kitchen, maybe she’d appreciated the way Judy’s necklaces dangled over her prominent collar bone. And so what if she had checked out Judy at the beach today? She was showing so much skin and she was just so beautiful it was impossible _not_ to look.

And maybe Jen had gotten into the habit of reaching out for Judy, of pulling Judy closer to her and keeping her there, being comforted by her presence, relaxed by the smell of her shampoo, the warmth of her skin.

But that didn’t mean she was gay, right?

That was just how it always had been with Judy. Judy was just one of those _people,_ people that you felt like you absolutely _needed_ to be close to, because it was natural, it felt right. But suddenly Jen couldn’t remember anyone else she would’ve considered one of those people in the past, not even Ted if she were honest with herself, and she’d followed him to fucking Laguna Beach! At this point, Jen realized with a pang, she’d follow Judy Fucking Hale to the fucking moon if it made her happy.

And the feeling was growing in Jen’s chest, the realization, the understanding that what she felt for Judy was almost like what she’d felt with Ted at the start, but was somehow so much stronger, the need to be with someone, to be beside them, to hold their fucking hand.

Jen needed Judy, and _fuck,_ she really liked holding her hand.

They were each other’s _person._

Jen was starting to understand it now. 

That a shared look between them could keep her grounded, keep her from going insane when she could feel her temper bubbling.

That she could never get tired of coming home to Judy making dinner for her and the boys.

That Jen’s snarky quips were more about making Judy laugh now, that Judy’s unabashed, full-bellied laughter had become a little like music. 

And maybe it had been jealousy when Michelle came into Judy’s life. It seemed like that was clear now. 

And Jen remembered thinking about how Judy had nice hands, how she’d sometimes find herself staring at Judy’s mouth when she spoke, that her lips looked really full after a couple glasses of wine, how Jen subconsciously did everything she could to be closer to her, to hold onto her.

That she’d been reaching out for Judy for so long now it was automatic, and Judy had always accepted. She would let her keep her hand on her back, would rub her knuckles with her thumb when Jen needed her hand. 

Jen had never been an affectionate person.

And suddenly Jen thought of Judy, alone and heartbroken in the guest house, and she was kicking herself for leaving her there when none of this was her fault, when it was Jen who’d simply been too blind to see it. 

She had to go see Judy.

...

Jen knocked on the guest house door. She could hear Judy sniffling inside.

“Jude,” Jen said gently. She knocked again, but lost her patience, and instead just turned the knob, and pushed the door open, shutting it behind her just as quickly. 

Judy jumped a little at the sound of the door, and looked up at Jen, her eyes swimming, her cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink. She was still sitting at the edge of the bed, her arms around herself. 

It seemed like she hadn’t moved an inch since Jen left. Jen wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she did. All she knew was that she couldn’t waste any more time now. She strode across the room, and sat down beside her.

She reached up to tuck a matted, wet strand of Judy’s hair behind her ear, and cupped her face in her hand. Judy seemed startled by the contact. 

“I’m going to kiss you now, Jude,” Jen said, leaning in before she could lose her nerve.

“Jen—“

Jen crashed their lips together, tasting salty tears, and _Judy._ Judy’s lips were so soft— softer than Jen had hoped they’d be, and then Jen realized she’d been hoping things about Judy’s lips for longer than she’d realized. 

Judy pulled away.

“Jen, you don’t have to—“

“Shut up,” Jen threaded her fingers through Judy’s hair, and pulled her to her once again, and this time Jen could feel Judy start to kiss back, and it was desperate and sweet and Jen felt like she was floating. She was kissing _Judy,_ and it was perfect. And Jen was parting her lips and deepening the kiss and then Judy was parting hers and the need in Jen’s chest was burning, but then Judy was pulling away again, and when she broke the kiss it physically pained Jen, and she didn’t know where this desire had come from but maybe it had always been there and Jen just hadn’t noticed it, hadn’t let herself notice it before.

“Jen, what is this? What are you doing?” Judy asked.

Jen didn’t answer. She had just needed to see— and now she knew— but that still didn’t begin to explain. 

“I—” Jen started, trying to form words— the kiss had left her mind foggy, all she could think about were Judy’s lips, and how right they’d felt on hers, that she now knew why she’d been reaching out for Judy for so long, what it was she’d actually been reaching for. “I needed to know if I’d like it,” Jen finished, stupidly.

Judy looked confused. Jen knew how ridiculous she sounded. But Judy had never been one to hold things against her.

“And?” Judy asked, looking warily at Jen, her eyebrows raised.

She wanted to say _‘yes I fucking liked it, it was fucking amazing, why haven’t we been doing this for years?’_ But that didn’t seem like enough. It didn’t feel like the whole truth. It wasn’t, and even though Jen was still only getting used to the idea, that it was probably unwise to say it before she fully took in the gravity of what _saying it_ would mean, she thought she’d better say it anyway.

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

“Jen—“ Judy looked like she was going to cry again, and Jen had to stop her before she did. Her heart couldn’t take any more of that tonight.

“No, listen, okay?” Jen said, taking Judy’s hand into her lap, “you said your part, now I gotta say mine.”

Judy nodded slowly. It seemed like Judy was steeling herself, not letting herself get hopeful just yet, but Jen understood. The evening had been a fucking rollercoaster so far.

“After Ted—“ no that wasn’t right, “for a long time now—“ this was getting really fucking cheesy, and that really wasn’t Jen. But Judy was looking at her, waiting patiently for Jen to work out her thoughts, still letting Jen hold her hand, so Jen tried anyway. “Ted was never the greatest partner,” Jen began, “he was always wrapped up in whatever the fuck he was doing with his stupid music to give a shit about me. He was great with the kids, sure, but it was never like _this_ with him. Like it is with you and me. You’re always just so fucking _there_ for me and maybe it can be a little suffocating but I think I like being a little suffocated by you,” Jen took a breath, “un-platonically or whatever.”

The smallest of smiles had appeared on Judy’s face, and Jen knew she wasn’t good at talking through her feelings but was glad that Judy was letting her, even though it wasn’t the most eloquent, even though words couldn’t really describe the way Jen’s heart was beating like it never had before.

“And I guess I hadn’t ever really thought about us as anything other than friends because well, I was married to a man for 20 years so there’s that, and also you never— you never really—”

“What?” Judy prompted softly, only kindness in her eyes.

“I mean, Judy. I didn’t think you liked me like that!”

“Really?” Judy laughed.

“Yeah, Jude! I mean why the hell _do_ you even like me like that?” Judy had said _love_ but Jen still felt safer using the diplomatic, middle school _‘like’_.

“You’re asking why I love you?”

Okay, ‘love’ it was then. Jen nodded. Judy was looking at her like she really did love her, like there were a million reasons to love her. Jen didn’t think anyone else had looked at her like that before.

“Jen, you took me in. Even after all the lies, even after all the mess. With my mom, with Steve, everything was always so, _conditional_. But Jen, I literally killed your husband and for some reason you still let me stay with you, and you made me a part of your family. I’ve never had a real family Jen, and I wouldn’t want one with anyone else but you.”

Jen was realizing that look in Judy’s eyes might’ve been how Judy had always looked at her, that she’d just never read as deep into it as she should’ve. But there was still one more thing, and it was embarrassing, but it was nagging Jen, and she needed it out in the open. 

“Okay but, family aside Jude,” Jen began, not sure how exactly she was going to put it, “you’ve never really— I don’t know, you just don’t seem. How do I say this? You’ve just never seemed like you’re _into_ me, like you’re attracted to me,” Jen said, rushing the last part.

“Jen. You’re like the hottest person I’ve ever fucking seen.”

Jen rolled her eyes.

“You’ve got this whole MILF realtor bitch thing going on. It’s very very sexy.”

Jen was shaking her head.

“Jen! It’s not like I haven’t told you that before!”

“Yeah, but it was always like super fucking corny. We were just like, kidding around.”

“I was never kidding.”

Jen shot her a look.

“I’m serious, Jen,” and she looked it too. But Jen was still having a hard time with that because something wasn’t adding up.

“But, all those times, after the accident, this fucking morning even,” Jen trailed off, “you never _look_ at me Jude,” she meant at her body, but she hoped Judy would get it without her having to say it.

“Yeah because I’m not a fucking perv, Jen. You were _injured_! I was helping you out. You didn’t want me looking at you!”

“Well, maybe I did.”

“Oh my god,” Judy rolled her eyes. “Well, I’ll look at you now,” Judy smiled, “if you want me to,” she winked.

“Yeah, maybe not right now.”

“Okay you’re right. Yeah, sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

“Jude.” 

“Jennn,” Judy smiled.

Jen had come to Judy with the intention of explaining her own feelings, but having Judy explain hers had helped Jen more than she thought.

“C’mere, Jen said, holding her arms out for Judy. Judy leaned in almost immediately, snuggling her head into Jen’s shoulder. They sat like that for a while, just enjoying the comfort of the warmth, the proximity. 

“Jen?” Judy asked, her voice muffled by Jen’s shoulder.

“Hmm?” Jen had been thinking about how holding Judy like she was right now had suddenly taken on a very different meaning, but it still felt comfortable, it still felt right.

“Are you sure?” Judy asked.

Jen was growing more sure by the second.

“I am,” Jen’s voice hitched. Was she really about to start fucking crying? Jen cleared her throat. “I mean it’s still a little fucking weird, but yeah. I’m sure.”

She pressed a kiss into Judy’s hair. Judy hummed contentedly.

And Jen just kept holding her for a while, not wanting to ruin the moment, not knowing what else she could say that would assure Judy that even though she was scared, she knew that this was right. She knew that she loved her, that she loved her _like that_. She might’ve even said it again if Judy hadn’t been the first to break the silence.

“You know what, I think I will stay in the guest house tonight,” Jen could hear Judy grinning as she said it.

“Um, fuck you, no you won’t,” Jen said, standing, “c’mon,” she held out her hand to Judy, who took it eagerly, and together they left the guest house, Judy blowing out the candles as they went. 

“So, can I tell people I made you gay then?” Judy asked as Jen led them back to the house.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just kidding, that’s not how it works.”

“Judy,” Jen sighed, shaking her head. But she was smiling, she couldn’t help it. 

“Wait, before we go inside,” Judy tugged at Jen’s hand, and pulled her close to the wall, away from the prying glow of the patio lights. She looked deep into Jen’s eyes, and took a shaky breath, before reaching up to Jen and pulling her face down to hers. She kissed her, soft and slow, one arm around Jen’s shoulder, the other hand finding her waist. Jen kissed back, letting Judy set the pace, and Jen could feel against her lips that Judy was smiling too. 


	7. In Due Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen found Judy’s hand again in the dark, and threaded their fingers together. She took a deep breath, relaxing a little. The dark made things easier, it made Jen a bit bolder. She scooted closer to Judy, idly playing with her fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so dialogue heavy! Dialogue is hard! Please enjoy all the dialogue!

Jen led a giggling Judy into the kitchen by the hand, wishing she had had the foresight to put the lights on indoors before turning off the patio lights outside. Her mind was still a little foggy, and she hadn’t really been able to think through the correct order of operations. 

“Hey, careful,” she whispered to Judy, as she led them blindly across the kitchen, groping around for the table to use as a guide, “if you go down, I’m going down with you, and I think the last thing this night needs is a 1:00am trip to the hospital”.

“Right, sorry,” Judy whispered, “why isn’t there a light, like as soon as you walk in though? Isn’t that something you’d like look for when you’re buying a house?”

“I mean, it’s not really that high up on the list there Jude,” Jen whispered back, but maybe it should’ve been, because Jen was feeling pretty stupid Stevie Wonder-ing about her own kitchen.

Suddenly, the lights flicked on, and Jen felt Judy practically throw her hand out of her own, jumping away from her in fright.

Charlie was standing at the other end of the room, his hand still hovering above the light switch, and as her eyes adjusted, Jen could see that her son looked— confused.

“What’s going on?” he asked, eyeing them suspiciously.

“I- I turned off the outside lights without thinking,” Jen explained, hoping the conversation would end there.

“Why didn’t you guys just use Judy’s phone flashlight,” he asked, nodding in the direction of Judy’s other hand.

“Oh,” Judy said, “yeah, I forgot about that, sorry,” Judy said, smiling apologetically at Jen. Jen gave her a look.

“What were you guys doing out there anyway? I thought I heard yelling,” Charlie said, walking across the kitchen. He pulled a drinking glass out of the cabinet, and turned back to the tap to fill it.

Judy was looking at Jen, her eyes asking ‘ _what are we telling him?’._ Jen put a hand out to Judy, letting her know to relax, that she was going to handle it. 

“Judy was giving me a massage in the guest house.”

Charlie closed the tap, and turned around. He took a large gulp of water, and was about to take another sip when Jen’s words seemed to register. He lowered his glass.

“You were giving my mom a massage?” he asked, addressing Judy this time. 

“Mhmm,” Judy nodded, “I was! A good one I think, right?”

“Yep,” Jen said through tight lips.

Charlie furrowed his brow, his eyes shifting from Judy to Jen and back again. 

“Yeah, smell her!” Judy said, helpfully.

“Ew, no,” said Charlie.

“Ew Judy,” Jen said, almost simultaneously.

“I meant, because of the peppermint oil—“ Judy said quickly, “sorry”, she mouthed at Jen, as Charlie turned to refill his glass.

“Judy, just—“ Jen whispered, motioning that she should zip her lips. Judy nodded, copying the motion.

“Sorry,” Judy whispered again, already forgetting the lip-zipping. 

Charlie turned back to the women. He seemed more confused than before.

“So what’s with the yelling then?” he asked, leaning back against the counter, “I thought massages were supposed to be, I don’t know, relaxing?” The little shit wasn’t dropping it, and Jen had to think on her feet.

“There was—“ Jen began, pausing for just a beat too long.

“A spider!” Judy jumped in.

“There was a spider,” Jen nodded seriously.

“A _big_ spider,” Judy affirmed, nodding with Jen.

“And Judy was— scared,” she looked at Judy for confirmation. Judy was still nodding, “and so we were trying to kill—“

“Trap,” Judy corrected.

“Yes, we were trying to trap the spider, and it was just, crawling everywhere.”

“It was really fast,” Judy added, “it was brown, and this big—” Judy said, gesturing with her hands.

“Okay Jude, I think he gets it,” Jen said, forcing a smile.

Charlie looked like he was losing interest.

“Okay, I’m just gonna,” Charlie gestured upstairs, “go to bed now,” he said.

“Yeah, okay honey,” Jen said.

He turned to leave the kitchen, taking his glass with him.

“Night,” he called out, putting a wave over his shoulder.

“Goodnight!” Jen and Judy said together. Jen elbowed Judy.

“Well, I didn’t know you were gonna say it at the same time,” Judy shot back quietly, rubbing her arm. 

...

“It’s weird that I’m here,” Judy said, standing in the bedroom doorway.

“No, it’s not,” Jen assured her, climbing into bed. It might’ve been a little weird. “C’mon,” she said, patting Judy’s pillow, “close the door”.

Judy shut the door behind her, and turned back to Jen apprehensively.

“Are you sure?” Judy asked.

“I’m sure,” Jen said, “come on.”

Judy slowly approached her side of the bed, and pulled back the covers. Gingerly, she climbed in, and settled herself into her pillows, leaving a large gap between herself and Jen. She gave Jen a nervous smile. 

“Oh my god Judy, you’re basically about to fall off,” Jen said, rolling her eyes. “It’s not weird if you don’t make it weird.”

“Sorry,” Judy said, shifting only a little bit closer.

The interaction with Charlie had sobered them a bit, and while kissing under the cover of night had been kind of incredible, Jen would be lying if she said things didn’t feel _realer_ in the familiar lamplight of her bedroom. Judy might’ve been sharing her bed for months now, but it had been under very different pretences. Jen wasn’t really sure how to progress, but she knew kicking Judy out of bed wasn’t an option.

Jen turned out the lamp on her side table, and slid further under the covers. She looked over at Judy, still rigidly laying on her back, the lamp on her side table still on. 

“Sorry about that whole thing with Charlie,” Jen said, deciding that talking about it might get them past the awkwardness.

“It’s okay,” Judy smiled, “at least he didn’t end up coming outside.”

“Yeah, that would’ve been—“

“Hard to explain,” Judy finished.

“Because we’re still just—“

“Figuring things out.”

“Yep,” Jen nodded.

“We don’t have to tell the boys anything yet,” said Judy, shifting onto her side, meeting Jen’s eyes.

“That’s okay, right?” Jen asked, “Not telling them? I mean I know we’ve lied to them about worse before, but you know.” The question had been weighing on Jen as they’d walked upstairs, realizing they’d almost been caught by Charlie. If he’d come outside… Jen didn’t want to think about it. 

She still barely knew herself what to make of her and Judy’s new, _arrangement,_ if that was the right word for it. It wasn’t really a relationship. Not yet at least. Jen was still coming to terms with the fact that she’d fallen in love with Judy _without really noticing_. She was having a hard enough time explaining it to herself, let alone trying to find the words to explain to her two sons that mommy might be a little gay for her live-in hippie best friend.

“It’s fine. There’s absolutely no rush,” Judy assured her, reaching out for Jen’s hand. Jen took it instinctively, letting out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Good secrets are okay to keep.”

“Thanks, Jude,” Jen smiled.

“And you know, we don’t have to even like, _do_ anything tonight if you don’t want to,” Judy said quickly.

Jen laughed.

“Wasn’t really planning on it, Jude.”

“Okay, okay, I’m just saying,” Judy grinned, “I wasn’t either.”

“Mhmm,” Jen raised her eyebrows. Maybe Judy was stroking her ego. Maybe Jen didn’t mind.

“Just trying to keep things comfortable,” Judy insisted, giving Jen’s hand a squeeze before releasing it. She reached up and turned off her bedside lamp, and settled down closer to Jen this time, facing her. 

Jen found Judy’s hand again in the dark, and threaded their fingers together. She took a deep breath, relaxing a little. The dark made things easier, it made Jen a bit bolder. She scooted closer to Judy, idly playing with her fingers.

As her eyes adjusted, she could see Judy was staring at their intertwined hands, something like hope in her eyes. Jen brought their joined hands to her lips, and brushed Judy’s knuckles with a light kiss. 

Judy closed her eyes, like she was savouring the moment, a small smile playing across her lips. When her eyelids fluttered open, Jen could see that look again; the love in her eyes was fucking unmistakable. Jen felt a warmth in her chest.

“You know, you’re a pretty good masseuse,” Jen said quietly, “my back isn’t screaming for like, the first time in weeks. Thank you.” 

“I know,” Judy replied, “you should’ve let me show you a long time ago,” Judy said simply, snuggling closer to Jen.

“Are we still talking about massages?” Jen asked, but she was already looking at Judy’s lips.

“That’s up to you,” Judy smiled.

Jen felt her throat go dry. She thought maybe she should ask before she tried it, but Judy was already leaning in, so Jen let Judy nestle into her, snaking an arm around her waist, and let Judy kiss her as if it were familiar, as if it was what they’d been doing every night before.

...

As the days passed by, Jen and Judy fell into their usual routines. They’d go to work and cook and drop the boys at school, they’d do errands and watch TV and talk shit about Lorna. And it was almost normal. To an outsider, it might’ve looked exactly the same. Jen certainly hoped it looked that way to the boys.

Jen and Judy were careful not to let them see the winks, the lingering looks, the stolen kisses behind closed doors. At night, they were quiet, quieter than they’d been when they’d had nothing to hide. They’d whisper and kiss but nothing more yet, and despite it being nothing but sweetness and cuddling, Jen was finding it harder and harder not to go up to bed as soon as dinner ended each evening. 

All day as she tried to sell sparkly gentrification to people with too much money, Jen couldn’t help but let her mind wander back to Judy, how she would much rather be back in their bed, holding her (and yes, it was _their_ bed now— Jen had promised that to Judy). 

She couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of Judy’s back curled into her front, how no matter the position they fell asleep in, they seemed to always wake up like this, with Jen’s arm slung around Judy’s middle, her head tucked under Jen’s chin.

And like clockwork, every morning, Judy would be the first to try and get out of bed, and Jen would tighten her arm, and roll Judy onto her back, and kiss her long and slow, trying to convince her to stay a little longer. 

But Judy had to make breakfast, she had to be up to feed the boys, to make sure they were ready for school, and even though she ached when Judy untangled herself from their embrace, leaving cool space where her body had been warm against Jen’s, Jen loved Judy's commitment to their family. She loved their sweet domesticity. It didn’t feel quite so much like a trap anymore. It never had with Judy, really.

On one of those mornings, when Judy reluctantly detached herself from Jen, Jen had sleepily mumbled “come back to bed, baby” before she could even realize what she was saying. Judy had laughed, but the nickname stuck, and in bed it was almost always “Jude” or “baby” now. Jen was still “Jen”, but that was how Jen liked it. 

Jen had really come to appreciate the way her name sounded coming out of Judy’s mouth. Sometimes, if Judy drew it out, after Jen teased her about something or made a snarky comment, it would come out like _‘Jennn’_ , and it sounded almost like a moan.

And those were the times when Jen would need to squeeze her thighs together and think of Lorna. Because they hadn’t really talked about taking the next step since Judy’s ‘joke’ that first night, aside from vaguely agreeing that when it did happen, the boys shouldn’t be home.

And the agreement remained the elephant in the room in the days that followed, with neither of them bringing it up again, neither of them suggesting a sleepover at grandma’s to the boys. At least it felt like the elephant to Jen.

Jen was waiting for Judy to bring it up again. Even though Jen knew she wanted Judy, the whole _sex with a_ _woman_ thing was still very much uncharted territory. She didn’t know how to initiate it, didn’t know what Judy would like. She was hoping Judy would take the lead, at least for the first time anyway.

It seemed like Judy wasn’t in any rush though, that she was really keeping things _wholesome_ and _loving_ , which was _great_ of course— but Jen would be lying if she said she hadn’t been mentally undressing Judy nightly. 

_What a thing it was, the human brain_ , Jen found herself thinking, that once you allowed it to go to _that place_ it was almost impossible to come back from. Judy’s body lived in Jen’s mind ‘ _rent free’,_ as Charlie’s ‘ex-girlfriend’, Parker, would say.

To Judy’s credit, the wholesomeness was almost definitely for Jen’s benefit. Judy had known her feelings for Jen for a while after all, and at night as they whispered in bed, Judy made it a point to keep reminding Jen that they would take things at a pace Jen was comfortable with, that there was no rush, for _anything,_ and Jen was free to keep taking her time to figure things out.

Jen just couldn’t seem to work up the nerve to tell Judy that even though it hadn’t yet been a full week since her _realization_ , she might’ve definitely been ready to take things to the next level. She was itching to. But how was she supposed to tell Judy that?

‘ _Hey, Jude. I’m ready to fuck you now!’_

And Judy was being a perfect, adorable saint, complimenting Jen enough so she’d know she wanted her, but not crudely enough that meant she wanted to _have her_ then and there.

But sometimes, when Judy snuggled back into her, finding their usual position in bed, Jen thought that Judy might’ve been arching her back a little more, her ass pressing into Jen with what seemed like intention, but Jen couldn’t be sure.

And sometimes before they fell asleep, Judy’s hand would _accidentally_ graze Jen’s upper thigh, Judy’s little _“oops”_ , telling Jen it was an accident, but the way her fingers lingered longer than they needed to suggesting otherwise.

_Lorna. Lorna. Lorna._ It had become somewhat of a mantra.

As the week passed, Jen was getting, well, _hornier,_ and it was taking all the willpower she had not to let her hands wander in bed, to not touch Judy with something less like comfort and more like desire. 

Jen was growing impatient.

Which was why when Lorna called Thursday night as Jen and Judy were drinking post-dinner wine in the kitchen, Jen decided she had better get things fucking moving. 

As they’d cleaned up the dishes earlier, Jen had caught Judy staring at her ass, mumbling a half-assed ‘mhmm’ to what had not been a yes or no question, and Jen made a mental note that Judy liked her in dresses, and was glad she’d chosen one of her tighter ones that day. 

So when Lorna called a half an hour later, Jen was excited— a new feeling for anything even remotely Lorna related. After Lorna was done yammering on about unfinished paperwork, Jen decided to ask her for a favour, hoping her sons wouldn’t end up being _too_ mad about it.

“Lorna, do you mind taking the boys Saturday evening? I think Henry’s in need of some quality time with his grandma.”

And she made sure she was making eye contact with Judy when she asked, basking in the fact that Judy broke into an immediate wide smile, understanding that implications of Jen’s question for Lorna. And it was hard to take in anything else Lorna said after that, because Judy was fucking beaming over her glass of wine, but something in her eyes had changed. They seemed darker, and Jen was into it.

Jen felt good about herself, she felt good about Saturday. Maybe she’d even buy Judy dinner first, take her somewhere unbearably fancy so that they could get all dressed up before taking it all off. Judy fucking deserved it. 

Two days. Jen could wait till then. 

_Saturday._ Jen was excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is always so appreciated!


	8. What She Deserves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once the whole 'real date' thing had crossed Jen’s mind, she’d realised there was no other way to go about it. After everything Judy had been through, after everything Jen’s willful ignorance had put her through, Jen knew it was what Judy deserved, that it was the least she could do, that it was what she really wanted to do for Judy. Saturday didn't just have to be about taking that physical step. Judy was worth more than that. Jen needed to show her that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this was not the chapter you were expecting.
> 
> In all honesty, it was not the chapter I was expecting to write. But it happened, and I think it needed to. 
> 
> I hope you'll agree with me.

“I want to take you to dinner first,” Jen whispered into Judy’s hair that night.

It was late. It had been hours since they’d turned in, but the prospect of Saturday had been weighing on Jen. 

Once the whole _real date_ thing had crossed Jen’s mind, she’d realised there was no other way to go about it. After everything Judy had been through, after everything Jen’s willful ignorance had put her through, Jen knew it was what Judy deserved, that it was the least she could do, that it was what she really wanted to do for Judy. Saturday didn't just have to be about taking that physical step. Judy was worth more than that. Jen needed to show her that.

She was going to ask her out on a fucking date.

Though she’d planned on asking as soon as they'd gotten into bed and turned out the lights, Jen had been too distracted by Judy’s lips to ask just then—she’d let herself be distracted by them really. And then she’d listened as Judy’s breathing deepened and steadied until she realised that if she didn’t ask now, Judy would soon be asleep, and then Jen would have to wait until the morning, and these things were always so much harder in the daylight.

Jen wasn’t sure what was holding her back. She couldn’t figure out why she was so nervous to ask Judy out. She couldn’t fathom why it was so difficult to ask out the person who’d been sleeping beside her for months, the person who she was already planning to have sex with that very weekend, the person she was already in love with—who she knew loved her back. She wasn’t sure why it was so fucking hard to get the words out of her mouth. All she knew was that it couldn’t wait till morning.

“Hmm?” Judy mumbled sleepily. She rolled over to face Jen, wrapping an arm around her for good measure. Her eyes were still closed. “What’d you say, Jen?” she slurred, snuggling closer. 

It was clear that Judy had been dozing off, and Jen felt a little guilty for taking Judy out of it, but now that Jen had worked up the nerve, it really couldn’t wait.

“I want to take you out, Jude,” Jen whispered again, pressing a kiss into Judy’s forehead. She really did feel bad about waking her. “Jude?” Jen prompted softly, raising her hand to brush Judy’s cheek. She needed Judy to hear her, to understand what she was saying. 

She also needed her to say yes. 

Jen had never asked somebody out before.

Judy was drifting again, but Jen knew there was one sure-fire way to get her to open her eyes. Jen leaned closer, softly pressing her lips against Judy’s slightly parted ones until she felt Judy returning the pressure. (It was Judy’s move, used on Jen on one of her more stubborn mornings—when the promise of fresh coffee and breakfast just didn’t cut it.)

Jen pulled back slightly, watching the contours and lines of Judy’s beautiful face stretch and change as she yawned, inches from Jen’s own on the pillow.

A small smile was spreading across Judy’s lips as her heavy eyelids fluttered open, her pupils dilated in the darkness of the bedroom.

“Everything okay?” Judy asked sleepily.

“Yeah Jude, I’m okay.”

“Good,” Judy leaned in again, her eyes closing once again as she kissed her with what Jen assumed was as much purpose she could muster while still half asleep. 

It seemed like Jen broke the kiss too soon for Judy’s liking though, because Judy groaned when Jen pulled back, and then she was trying to lean in again, disappointed when Jen didn’t meet her halfway. But Jen needed Judy’s eyes open for this. And she needed her mouth for talking. 

Judy opened her eyes.

“What is it?” Judy asked, her voice tired and croaky.

“Well, uh, it’s about Saturday,” Jen said slowly, focusing her gaze somewhere near Judy’s eyebrow.

“If you’re not ready Jen, that’s okay—“ it seemed like Judy was sobering, concern appearing amid the fatigue. 

“No, it’s not that. It’s not that, I promise,” Jen said. She and Judy both knew that Saturday had become synonymous with sex. “It’s just, I’ve been thinking. I want to like, I don’t know, take you out first. Somewhere nice. Like on a real date.” The last words poured quickly out of Jen’s mouth, she rushed them out before she could really taste them.

“Are you asking me out?” Judy asked, awake now, inching closer to Jen.

“Well, maybe?” Jen started, suddenly feeling herself go hot, but she was in it now. “Yes, yes I am.”

“You already got me in your bed, Harding,” Judy smiled, “how much more do you want?”

Jen sighed. She knew Judy was joking, but she needed her to know that she meant a lot more to Jen than that—that she deserved a lot more than that.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Judy asked, her hand finding Jen’s in the dark. 

Jen took a moment to breathe before replying. It was about so much more than sex. It was about so much more than a date.

“I want to like, do this right? For you, for me.” Jen paused. “I want to be good to you,” Jen said, and she could feel tears in her eyes but she didn’t want them to fall. “I want to be good _for_ you.”

“You’re already good for me,” Judy said, with enough earnest that Jen would’ve believed her if she didn’t know better.

“No, no I’m really not Jude,” Jen said, and she felt a tear streak down her cheek, which Judy rushed to brush away. “I’m not, but I think—I don’t know, I think maybe I can be?”

“Jen,” Judy breathed, wrapping her arms more tightly around her, letting Jen’s head settle on her shoulder.

And Jen knew now why asking had been so hard, because it was something that should’ve crossed her mind a long time ago, before they’d settled into this ‘everything but’ kind of relationship, and before she’d laid out the prospect of sex. 

Judy was going at Jen’s pace. This kind of stuff was on Jen to think about. She was kicking herself for not showing Judy just how much she was worth, just how much she meant to her.

A date was necessary. A date was validation that Jen was taking this seriously. A date was the fucking least Judy deserved. 

Judy had been waiting on her for so long, had been hurting because Jen had been too stupid to realise that she loved her too. Jen had been taking advantage of Judy’s kindness for too long, she’d been taking advantage of her love. 

“I’m sorry for not noticing before,” Jen whispered. She was crying now, and she knew she was soaking Judy’s silky floral pyjamas but she couldn’t help it, “I’m sorry for being a fucking cunt all the time Jude.”

“You are _not_ a—you’re not _that_ at all, I promise, okay? I love you, okay?”

“You deserve—“ Jen stammered, “you deserve so much Jude— so much better.”

“Hey, shh. It’s okay,” Judy soothed, rubbing Jen’s arm as she held her.

“I love you,” Jen choked out between sobs. “I’m sorry Jude.”

“Shhh. It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“I love you,” Jen repeated, Judy’s hands stroking her hair. 

“I know,” Judy replied, placing a soft kiss on Jen’s damp cheek. 

Jen let herself be calmed by Judy, relaxing into her arms, Judy’s soft reassurances calming her heaving chest, pulling her back into the moment. 

“I wanna do this right for you,” Jen said, “you’re so good to me, and I just— I didn’t even think about taking you out first, I just like assumed you were gonna have sex with me! That’s pretty cunty Jude, you gotta admit.”

“Jen, you literally just asked me out.”

“Yeah but it shouldn't’ve taken me this fucking long to think of it!”

“Jen, this is— _new_ —territory for both of us. There’s not really like, _rules_ you gotta follow.”

“There’s an order!”

“I moved in to your house like a week after we met. We’re not ‘the right order’ kind of people.”

“I know, I know,” Jen sniffed, “but, a date is like, the least you fucking deserve.”

“Okay,” Judy paused, her eyes holding Jen’s. “Okay.” She kept looking at Jen, holding her serious gaze until it seemed like she recognized something there, and then her soft expression turned playful. “Okay. Take me out then. I agree, I deserve it,” Judy said, her tone shifting, the corners of her mouth turning up as she said it.

“You do,” Jen allowed herself a small smile. “Really.”

“Wine and dine me then, Harding.”

“I will!” Jen chuckled. There was mischief in Judy’s eyes.

“Okay, good. That’s settled then.”

“I love you, Jude.”

Judy smiled.

“Since you love me so much,” Judy started, leaning in, “you’re gonna let me pick the restaurant, right?” She raised an eyebrow, a wide grin spread across her face.

And even though the tears were still matted to her face, Jen laughed. 

“You’re kinda amazing, Jude, you know that?”

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

Jen rolled her eyes.

“Yes, of course you can pick the fucking restaurant.”

…

When Jen woke up the next morning, they weren’t in their usual position; Judy wasn’t pressed back into her, Jen wasn’t holding her in her arms.

Judy was laying on her side, staring at Jen from her own pillow, something like curiosity in her eyes. There was love there too of course, of that much Jen was certain.

“Morning sleepyhead,” Judy smiled, “feeling better?”

And then Jen remembered the night before, of how wrong her asking Judy out had gone, and before Jen could start apologizing, before she could lift the fog of sleep enough to get words out to express just how embarrassed she was, Judy let her off the hook.

“You can have a do-over you know. If you want.”

And even though daylight had filled their bedroom, Jen was more than willing to say it. It was so much easier to say now, somehow.

“Jude,” Jen asked, her voice hoarse from sleep, but maybe also from emotion, “would you like to go on a date with me? Saturday night. You can pick the restaurant.”

Judy bit her lip to keep from grinning, all mock seriousness in the bedroom’s morning light.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me as we explore the inner depths of Jen's mind. Jen is complicated! Love is complicated! 
> 
> The next chapter we'll let them have fun. Loads of it. I promise.


	9. Just Because

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen was the first out of bed that morning. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was anticipation, but Jen hadn’t gotten much sleep. She’d spent the night listening to Judy’s breathing and thinking about the day ahead, deciding it was more excitement than anything else that kept her tossing and turning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter initially had a TON to cover, but I decided to save the second half for the next chapter to get some serotonin to you faster. Enjoy xx

On Saturday morning, Jen bought Judy flowers. 

Jen was the first out of bed that morning. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was anticipation, but Jen hadn’t gotten much sleep. She’d spent the night listening to Judy’s breathing and thinking about the day ahead, deciding it was more excitement than anything else that kept her tossing and turning. When the night turned to morning, and light started to creep through the curtain, Jen was careful to detach herself from Judy so as not to wake her, gently tucking a strand of Judy’s hair behind her ear as she pulled the covers more securely around Judy’s shoulders.

The flower shop was close by, only a few minutes by car, and as Jen quietly dressed and brushed her teeth, she reasoned that she’d be back before Judy’d even woken up. Judy wasn’t really one for sleeping in, but it was a quick errand, and it was also the weekend which meant Judy hadn’t set her early alarm. 

So, for the first time in Jen’s life, she set out to buy flowers for someone who wasn’t dying or dead, and that prospect was kind of refreshing. 

Jen remembered that Judy had once mentioned she liked peonies, and since Jen could probably count on one hand the number of times she’d gotten flowers _just because_ in her 18 years of marriage, she didn’t have much of an opinion on flowers herself— so peonies it would be.

Jen had been confident as she’d driven and parked. She’d been confident as she’d walked right on up to the door and pulled it open, hit with the scents of mingling delicate florals, undercut by the clean freshness of cut stems and dewy leaves. She’d even felt confident as she’d crossed the threshold, as the bell chimed above her head, announcing her arrival to— the _only other person in there_ , the florist. Why had she come first thing in the morning again?

“Hi there! Can I help you with something?” the woman asked from behind the counter. She wore a green apron and a wide friendly smile. She was young, probably early 30s, and looked like she was nice, the kind of nice that asked too many questions. Suddenly Jen felt embarrassed.

“Um, hi,” Jen started. She’d thought it might’ve been crowded in there, that she could just find what she was looking for, quietly bring it up to the front, pay, and be out of there. But it seemed like that wasn’t really an option anymore. Not with the empty store, the open layout, and the friendly woman watching Jen’s every move, offering _advice._ This was why Jen preferred online shopping. “I, um. I’m here to buy some flowers,” Jen said, cringing as she said it. _No shit._

“Well, then you’ve come to the right place,” the florist laughed, coming out from behind the counter. “The hydrangeas are in season, and we have all sorts of varieties, and I’ve just gotten in some gorgeous dahlias if you’re looking for something a little more unusual.” And then, because of course she’d ask, the florist inquired, “What’s the occasion?”

Jen took a breath.

“Um, no occasion. Just, uh, flowers.”

“Oh, that’s lovely! Just for your home, or are they for someone?”

“Uh, yeah. They’re um, for someone,” Jen mumbled. Her cheeks felt hot.

“A friend?” the florist smiled, a real genuine smile. This woman would get along great with Judy. 

Jen paused.

“No, uh, not really.” The tips of Jen’s ears were burning. 

The florist raised her eyebrows, giving Jen a knowing look. She seemed to have taken the hint because she stopped pressing. 

“Ah, an enemy then. Lovely,” she smiled. 

Jen smirked. 

“Do you have an idea of what kind of flowers this person likes? We have some ready-made bouquets over here,” she said, gesturing for Jen to follow her, “and if you like any of these,” she continued, leading Jen to the other side, “I can make up a bouquet with whatever you’d like, and throw in some suggestions to make it look cohesive.”

“That’s great. Thank you,” Jen said, “but um, I think I just want to get like, a bunch of peonies. Pink peonies.”

“Oh, wonderful! That makes my job easy.”

A few minutes later, the florist was skillfully wrapping the bundle in brown paper, Jen waiting awkwardly to pay, credit card ready in hand.

“Do you want to write a message?” The woman asked, gesturing to a stand by the register. On it were about a dozen different little cards, some with pre-printed messages and others with just designs. Jen skimmed past the _get well soon_ s and the _thinking of you_ s, letting her eyes linger on the ones that were clearly meant to be more personal, the intention more romantic. 

She found herself cringing at the _I love you_ s on pink cards dotted with cartoon red hearts, repulsed by the images of teddy bears holding hands (well, paws), and was about to tell the florist that it was okay, she didn’t need to leave a note, when she noticed a plain yellow card, one without writing or pictures. Jen plucked it from the stand and quickly scrawled a few words onto it with the florist’s waiting pen. 

She handed it back to the woman with a tight lipped smile, hoping she wasn’t going to read it or comment on it, satisfied when the florist simply attached the little card to its plastic forked holder, and stuck it in with the flowers. 

The florist handed her the bouquet.

“I hope they like it,” the florist said, grinning as Jen surveyed the flowers. They looked really good. Judy was going to turn to fucking mush.

Jen put her credit card back in her wallet, deciding instead to pay cash.

“Keep the change,” Jen said, thrusting the bills into the startled florist’s hand. She gave the florist a small smile, grateful that the woman hadn’t made the experience too painful once she’d realised Jen wasn’t much of a talker. Jen nodded her thanks and turned on her heel, hurrying out the door, Judy’s bouquet successfully in hand.

…

Jen stowed the flowers in the guest house for later, and made it back inside just as Judy was making her way downstairs, bleary eyed from sleep.

“Where’d you go?” Judy asked, gathering her floral robe tighter around herself. “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Oh, I just had an errand to run.”

“An errand?” Judy asked, eyebrows raised, following Jen into the kitchen.

“You ask too many questions,” Jen said, taking a seat at the breakfast bar. Judy pulled the carton of eggs from the fridge, eyeing Jen suspiciously as she reached for a bowl and whisk. Jen laughed. “Later, okay?”

…

Jen stepped out of the shower, wrapping herself up in her waiting towel, breathing in the steam and the lingering scent of Judy’s shampoo in the air; Judy had used the shower just before her. 

Even though it was a little bit gross, Jen found herself amused by the mix of brown and blonde hairs that lined the shower floor, embarrassed that her heart felt a little warm at the fact that she’d gotten used to pulling the two-toned clumps out of the drain, tangible evidence of her and Judy's closeness, their intimacy. 

That was an intimacy Jen was used to with Judy, the melding of their spaces and boundaries until it was no longer about whose something was than whose turn it was to deal with. 

Tonight, a different kind of intimacy was on the table. The thought made Jen a little dizzy. 

Jen wiped some of the steam from the mirror, meeting her own eyes in the clearing for a moment. She looked at herself, standing there in the towel, screwing her face into something that looked less like terror and more like confidence. She took a breath, and let the towel drop completely. 

Jen's body was nothing Judy hadn’t seen before. Even though Judy had always dutifully averted her eyes to make Jen feel less ogled when she’d helped her shower and change after the accident, she’d definitely seen it all. She’d _scrubbed_ it for fucks sake.

In those moments, Jen had always felt so, _sexless,_ the idea of her body being anything more than a casing for her consciousness was too far out of reach. The thought that she could be desirable? A near impossibility.

Jen ran her fingers over the pink marks on her chest. The skin always felt softer there. 

Ben had been her first, since, well, _everything,_ and that thought made Jen wince whenever it crossed her mind. She didn’t want that time to count. She’d take it back if she could.

Maybe, Jen realised, that time didn’t _have_ to count. 

After all, Ben had kept the lights off. Or maybe Jen had decided to keep it that way. She couldn’t remember now, not after the copious amounts of alcohol she’d consumed that night. She did remember asking to keep her bra on though, and she still had it on in the morning so... 

He didn’t _need_ to count. 

So, Jen decided. _Ben didn’t count._

Slowly, watching herself in the mirror, Jen traced her fingers down her torso, over the stretch marks that had given her her sons, her fingers once again moving north, finding the dimpled soft lines that meant she’d be there for those boys as long as she could be. 

Jen found herself wondering if Judy would touch her scars, and what it would be like if she did. Even with needing all that help in the shower, Jen had still always been able to scrub her own front. Only Jen’s own fingers had touched those marks. 

She wondered what Judy would be like when she was allowed to touch her scars, her whole body really. She wondered what Judy’s hands would feel like when she knew that Jen actually wanted to be touched. 

Tonight would count. Jen wanted it to count.

It made sense that it would be Judy.

Jen pulled her bathrobe off the hook, shrugging it around herself. She hung up her discarded wet towel. 

She opened the door to the bedroom, letting out the steam, the sudden burst of cool air making her bare legs shiver. 

Judy was sitting in front of the mirror, wearing a dress Jen didn’t recognize, and Jen had to do a double take to make sure that it was in fact Judy sitting there. Deep red, short, and fitted, it was a far cry from the boho chic Jen had come to expect from Judy.

Judy had pulled her hair back into a pony tail, her lips were dark and painted, and she was wearing— _eyeliner?_

Jen watched as Judy secured an earring, surveying herself in the mirror, her neck craned to the side for a better view of her ear. 

Judy noticed Jen in the mirror.

“Hey, I’m almost done. I’ll get out of your hair soon, don’t worry,” she said, turning her face to the other side and putting on the earring’s pair. She fixed her bangs, framing her face with the longer strands, before meeting Jen’s eyes in the mirror again. “What?”

“Woah,” Jen breathed, taking in Judy’s appearance. Judy always looked nice, pretty even. But now she looked, well, _hot_.

Noticing Jen’s stunned expression, Judy laughed.

“What, you like it?” Judy asked.

“Fuck, Jude. You look—well, _fuck_ you look— _good_ ,” Jen trailed off, trying to pick her jaw up off the floor.

“Aw the expletives mean you mean it,” Judy smiled, wiping at the corner of her dark lips with her thumb. She wiped the red off her thumb with a tissue.

“When did you get, _that?”_ Jen asked, gesturing at the dress.

Judy blushed.

“Um, yesterday?” she smiled shyly. “I didn’t actually have to work late I just wanted to get something new for tonight,” she admitted, turning to face Jen sheepishly. 

“Well, uh. Good choice,” Jen said.

“I don’t know, I wanted to look like, an adult?” Judy laughed.

“Jude, you always look like an adult.”

Judy gave her a look.

“I mean, maybe like an adult who teaches kindergarten, but you know.”

“Are you making fun of me?” Judy asked, eyebrows raised.

“Making fun of you is literally impossible when you look like that.”

“Aww, Jen,” Judy smiled, “well I’m glad you like it then.”

Judy turned back to the mirror, checking herself one last time. She furrowed her brow and reached up to her left earring, untangling the dangling moon and star from one another.

She stood, giving Jen a full view of the dress, of the way it hugged Judy’s obvious curves, the way it showed off her toned, impossibly shiny legs.

“Okay, the room’s yours,” she said sweetly, pecking Jen on the cheek as she went. “I’ll be downstairs.”

She left the bedroom, leaving Jen stunned and warm all over. Maybe it was still from the steam, Jen reasoned.

(It wasn’t.)

…

A cool forty-five later, Jen found Judy in the kitchen, sipping wine at the counter, intently looking at her phone. 

“What’s an Uber X?” Judy asked, looking up at the sound of Jen’s footsteps. 

The question was lost when she saw her— Judy’s mouth opened a little, her glass only halfway to her lips.

“Jen,” she breathed.

“What?” Jen smiled, even though she knew _what_. She’d put on that black dress she’d bought on a whim, the one that was too sexy for work, that had lived at the back of her closet for years now. It had still had the tags on it.

“Jen, you are so beautiful.”

“Stop it,” Jen rolled her eyes.

“No, really. Like, _Jesus_ Jen it’s not even funny.”

Jen poured the glass Judy had left out for her. 

Judy was still looking at her, so Jen clinked their glasses together in jest, raising her own glass to her lips, feeling only a little smug at Judy’s reaction.

“I heard Lorna?” Jen asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, she came and got the boys. Empty house now.” Judy winked before continuing, eliciting another eye-roll from Jen. “I said you were still in the shower.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” Judy nodded, raising her glass.

“Did she ask where we were going?” Jen asked, realizing that Lorna had seen Judy dressed like _that._

“Yes she did,” Judy said simply, before taking a long sip.

“And what did you tell her?”

“I told her the truth,” Judy smiled.

“You didn’t.”

“I did,” Judy insisted.

“Jude.”

“Fine,” Judy laughed. “I told her what we told the boys. That we were going to my ‘work thing’.”

“And she believed you?”

“Well, we can never be too sure with these things.”

“Oh!” Jen remembered suddenly, putting down her glass. “Don’t order the car yet,” she called over her shoulder, rushing out of the kitchen.

“That’s fine! I don’t really know how to!” Judy called back.

Jen ducked out to the guest house, grabbing the flowers she’d stowed earlier. 

After some debate that morning, Jen had cut open the bottom of the paper and stuck the flowers in a bit of water so they’d keep until the boys were gone and she could give them to Judy. The wrapping didn’t look as nice anymore, but it was the thought, right?

She rushed back into the kitchen, the wet stems dripping a little down her arm. 

“Here, I uh, got you these,” Jen said, thrusting the bouquet awkwardly at Judy, heat creeping into her cheeks at Judy’s dumbfounded expression.

“You— you got these, for me?” Judy asked, staring at the bundle in her hands.

“Well, yeah Jude.”

“Oh my god Jen!” Judy exclaimed, and she was out of her seat, her arms flung around Jen’s neck, petals brushing the back of Jen’s hair.

Judy pulled back, looking at the flowers with awe. She looked a little bit like she was going to cry. 

“Here, I’ll get you a vase,” Jen said, reaching into a lower cupboard. It was dusty, and Jen tried to rinse it out before she filled it with water, hoping Judy wouldn’t notice the dust.

Judy unwrapped the paper, her eyes flitting back and forth from the flowers to Jen. Her eyes were still shiny, but her wide grin gave her glee away. Happy tears. _Fucking Judy_.

Judy arranged the flowers in Jen’s waiting vase, taking a step back to admire them. 

“How’d you know I liked peonies?”

“You told me!” Jen laughed.

“I did?” Judy asked, still gleeful, still looking a little bewildered. “Oh! There’s a note!” Judy exclaimed, reaching for the little yellow card.

Much to Jen’s embarrassment, Judy read the card aloud.

“Judy. Thanks for waiting on me. Thanks for being my person. Jen.” Judy’s voice hitched at the _‘Jen’_ , and if she looked like she was going to cry a second ago, it seemed like an inevitability now. 

“Hey, don’t cry,” Jen said, reaching out to rub Judy’s arm, “you’ll ruin all your sexy makeup.”

“It’s waterproof,” Judy choked out, a tear leaking down her cheek.

"You like them?" Jen asked, teasing now.

"I love them. Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!


	10. Judy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ride home had been, well, intense. Chaste clasped hands turned into fingers laid on thighs, all feigned innocence and sweet smiles until Judy’s hand travelled just a little too high on Jen’s leg, high enough that Jen let out an involuntary whimper, coughing to cover up her reaction lest the driver think there was anything indecent happening in his backseat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're here. 
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's gone on this journey with me. When I started this fic about a month ago, I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd come to meet such lovely people, that so many strangers would become invested in some silly little story that had been kicking around in my head.
> 
> Like I mentioned in that very first note, this is the first fic I've ever written. I've loved writing it, I'm going to miss working on it, but I'm also glad we've come to the end. 
> 
> This silly little fix-it fic has given me something to hold onto during these really weird times we've been living in, and for that it'll always have an important place in my heart. The fact that it might have a place in yours is nothing short of incredible to me.
> 
> If you've made it this far, I want to thank you for your loyal readership. I'm so grateful for every kudos and comment, for the friends I've made along the way. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy our conclusion.

“I don’t think he likes us very much,” Jen whispered from behind her menu, eyeing the waiter as he moved toward another table.

“He doesn’t like _you_ very much. I’m not the one he heard nickname him ‘little pants’.”

Jen shot her a look, and was about to challenge Judy to come up with a more apt nickname when she spotted a familiar looking mane bobbing towards them.

“Wait, is that—?”

“What?” Judy asked, whipping around to see what Jen was looking at.

“It is,” Jen sighed, sinking down in her chair. She raised the menu higher, hoping not to be seen.

Judy had other ideas.

“Detective!” Judy called out, waving excitedly.

Jen watched as Detective Perez looked around, her eyes settling on their table, her expression turning sour. 

Reluctantly, she approached them, Jen lowering her menu in defeat.

“Jesus. You two again?” Perez sighed. 

“Detective! It’s so good to see you!” Judy gushed, “You look _amazing_ by the way. I love your blazer. That cranberry colour looks _incredible_ on you.”

“Thank you,” Perez said through gritted teeth.

“Oh!” Judy exclaimed, “And I heard you left the force? Does that mean I can call you Ana now?”

“No, it does not.” Perez said quickly. “I don’t want you calling me anything.”

Judy’s face fell a little bit, but she recovered quickly.

“What brings you here tonight?” Judy asked, persisting despite Perez’s scowl.

“Judy,” Jen tried, nudging Judy’s leg under the table with her shoe.

Judy shot Jen a look, mouthing ‘ _what?’_ at Jen with a shrug of her shoulders.

Perez hadn’t noticed the exchange. She was looking over Jen’s and Judy’s heads, into the distance, her eyes searching the bar. As Jen watched, Perez gave someone a tight lipped smile, raising her hand in a slight wave. Jen followed her gaze to a woman with large glasses and long legs, her auburn hair tumbling around her shoulders.

“I’m broadening my horizons,” Perez muttered, still looking at the woman at the bar.

Jen nudged her head in the direction that Perez was looking, mouthing ‘ _she’s on a date’_ to Judy, who’s expression turned from confusion to glee _._

_‘Oh!’_ Judy mouthed back, nodding and grinning.

“Detective— uh, Perez,” Jen corrected, clearing her throat, “have a lovely evening.” She smiled at Perez, trying to let her know that she was off the hook.

Perez nodded, and turned on her heel to leave, but then she paused, something occurring to her all of a sudden. 

“I can’t believe I’m asking this, but you two are— you’re together now, right?” she asked, her expression crossed between exasperation and curiosity.

“Yup!” Judy beamed.

Perez shook her head.

“Okay, well in that case, Prager owes me twenty,” Perez said, rolling her eyes. Jen raised her eyebrows at Judy, who was holding in a laugh. “Enjoy your dinner. I sincerely hope I never see either of you again.”

And with that, Perez nodded, and went to go meet her date. 

…

Jen and Judy drank wine— a lot of wine. And it was good wine too, the too-expensive kind that they’d never drink at home.

The food was also good, like, _really fucking good_ , and Jen was grateful to Judy for choosing the restaurant because her old special occasion haunts really didn’t compare.

Judy had spent a little while deciding between two items on the menu, so Jen just ordered the other for herself to let Judy try some, and she was glad she did. Maybe Judy had good taste. Jen tried not to let that thought go to her head.

Then it was time for dessert, and Jen was full, but not full enough to shoot Judy down when she looked at her with those big puppy eyes and asked if she’d split a slice of cake with her.

“Fine, but you’re eating most of it. I only want a bite.”

A few moments later, the waiter set the slice down between them, laying two forks on the plate.

It had been kind of a perfect evening so far. Even the run-in with Perez had given them a jumping off point for reminiscing about _before_ , for answering those burning questions that had been on both of their minds ever since that night of Judy’s confessions, of Jen’s realizations.

“So, all those times you would like, hold my hand and stuff,” Judy was saying, bringing a bite of cake up to her mouth, “you didn’t think it could be taken as, like, something other than just, friendly?”

“Honestly Jude,” Jen said, swallowing her own mouthful, “I didn’t really think about it that much.”

“Should that offend me?”

“No, no. Of course not,” Jen said, reaching her fork out for another bite. “I don’t know, it was just never something that really crossed my mind. Like, I guess I wanted to hold your hand, so I did. I just didn’t really think about it.”

“Well, you were really playing with my heart, Harding,” Judy said, her mouth full of cake.

Jen laughed.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Judy swallowed before continuing.

“The hand-holding wasn’t as bad as the other stuff though.”

“Like what?”

“Like all the fucking cuddling! And you’d always put your arm around me like it was just a _normal_ thing friends do. And oh my god— Jen, you’ve _grabbed my ass multiple times.”_

“When!?”

“When we’ve gone dancing! You’re very handsy!” 

“Oh,” Jen grimaced, remembering. “Yeah, sorry about that Jude.”

“No, I mean, I liked it,” Judy shrugged, going in for another bite. “But you were also kinda killing me.”

“I just—I don’t know. I didn’t think about it!” Jen insisted. She felt only a little guilty; the idea of Judy being so affected by those touches was stroking her ego.

“So, what you’re saying is, _subconsciously_ you’ve _always_ wanted me?” Judy teased, pointing her fork at Jen.

Jen laughed. Subconsciously, unknowingly. Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jen conceded.

They continued working on the cake, Jen’s insistence that she would only take _‘a bite’_ long forgotten, not that Judy seemed to mind.

“Okay, I have another one for you. But I’m guessing you might not remember it.”

“What do you mean?” Jen asked, still chewing.

Judy took a deep breath. She looked a little sheepish.

“One night, like pretty soon after I’d stopped sleeping in the guest house,” she didn’t have to say ‘ _started sleeping in your bed';_ it was more than implied, “I think—“ Judy paused. “No, never mind.”

“What?”

“No it’s okay.”

“Judy.”

“I think you had a dream about me.”

“What? No, I don’t think so—oh.” Suddenly Jen remembered. Yes, she had. Her cheeks went hot. How could she have forgotten?

Well, probably because she had tried very hard to forget it; the dream had made looking at Judy pretty difficult in the days that followed.

“You kinda moaned my name in your sleep,” Judy added, her hesitance turning to slyness, seeming to enjoy the way Jen was now squirming in front of her.

Jen took a deep breath, her eyes falling to the plate. She remembered it now. She remembered the dream— the flashes of bare skin and sweat, the sounds of heavy breathing and a creaking mattress, the distant memory of her best friend’s lips in places she really shouldn’t have been dreaming they’d be.

All those months ago, she’d chalked the dream up to her body’s incapacitation, her mind’s yearning for any sort of physicality, for a reality in which her body didn’t scream if she so much as turned her neck too quickly. 

And if Judy’s body was contorting with hers in the dream, that had just been a coincidence. It was just because she’d gotten so used to Judy _being there,_ in her bed.

Now, Jen realised, her subconscious really had been doing all the hard work. If only she hadn’t worked so hard to ignore it.

“What, reminiscing?” Judy asked, playing with her fork. Her eyes were dark, her lips turned up a little at the corners. She looked smug, her grin a little devilish. Looking at Judy in the restaurant’s warm candlelight, in her fitted red dress, with her hair pulled back, exposing all the best parts of her neck and collarbone, Jen was suddenly overwhelmed with the fact that the dream might soon be a reality. 

Judy took another bite of cake, and Jen watched as her mouth closed around the fork, the metal slowly sliding back out from between her dark lips. Judy was watching her intently, like she’d done it seductively on purpose, knowing that she was getting a reaction out of Jen. Jen swallowed hard. 

Under the table, she felt Judy’s heel drag up her leg a little, gasping when she suddenly felt Judy place her hand on her knee under the cover of the white tablecloth. 

“Everything okay Jen?” Judy asked sweetly. 

…

“Wait I need to give him five stars,” Judy breathed, as Jen shoved her back against the door. “Charlie said you have to or it’d be—OH—rude.“

“I don’t care what Charlie said,” Jen mumbled, pressing open mouthed kisses into the hollow of Judy’s throat, working her way in quick succession up the smooth skin of her neck, and behind her ear. “And don’t talk about the kids right now.”

“Okay,” Judy gasped, threading her fingers through Jen’s hair, “sorry.”

The ride home had been, well, intense. Chaste clasped hands turned into fingers laid on thighs, all feigned innocence and sweet smiles until Judy’s hand travelled just a little too high on Jen’s leg, high enough that Jen let out an involuntary whimper, coughing to cover up her reaction lest the driver think there was anything indecent happening in his backseat. 

And maybe it was the wine, maybe it wasn’t, but in the backseat of the Uber, Jen had leaned in to every little tantalizing touch, every little graze of her knee. The thought of Judy’s hands roaming her body sending electricity through her veins, the idea of running her hands down Judy’s setting something alight deep in her belly.

And so when the car had pulled into the driveway, they were out of it in a second, the key fumbling in the lock as they rushed to get inside the house, Jen pulling Judy in roughly behind her, pushing her back against the front door as it swung shut behind them. 

Judy pulled Jen’s lips from her neck, bringing her mouth up to meet hers, Jen’s body keeping Judy pinned against the door. Their mouths met again and again, the pressure firm and desperate, parted lips making the kisses sloppy. Jen searched for Judy’s tongue, who’s own welcomed Jen’s eagerly, and soon they were fighting for dominance, hungrily seeking more, more.

Jen couldn’t remember the last time she’d kissed anyone like that, she couldn’t remember the last time anyone had kissed her like Judy was kissing her now. She was kissing her like she needed her, like Jen was the air she needed to breathe.

Jen moved an arm behind Judy’s waist, pulling Judy’s body more firmly against hers, Judy using Jen’s shifting weight as an opportunity to take control, shoving Jen back against the door instead.

Judy kissed her hard, hungrily, and then she was forcing Jen’s legs apart with her knee, pushing her thigh a little against where Jen wanted her. 

Jen breathed hard at the contact. 

“Upstairs?” Judy whispered into Jen’s neck.

Jen nodded, whimpering something resembling a yes.

Together they rushed to kick off their heels, Jen leading Judy by the hand as they clumsily clambered up the stairs and into the bedroom, Judy slamming the door shut behind them.

The sound made Jen jump, taking her out of it a little, all of a sudden a funny fluttering flooding her body. She was suddenly very aware of where they were, of what they were about to be doing, and her heart started beating faster, her ears growing hot.

“Sorry,” Judy mumbled, reaching up for Jen’s mouth again. 

Jen let Judy kiss her as they stumbled back through the bedroom, and there was heat building between Jen’s thighs, but there was also something stirring in her chest, and Jen tried to ignore it, but Judy must’ve noticed that Jen wasn’t returning the kisses with the same haste anymore so she pulled back, concern drawn all over her face.

“Are you okay?” Judy asked, a little breathless, her eyes wide and apologetic like she’d done something wrong.

Jen wanted to just reach out for her again. She wanted to keep going, she wanted _Judy_ , but she just felt a bit overwhelmed, her nerves wrestling her desire, her heart cursing her mind for _thinking_ at a time like this. She needed a moment.

She took a shaky breath, moving back from Judy a bit, surprised when she found she’d backed up all the way to the edge of her bed. She felt a little bit dizzy, so she sat down, absently grabbing fistfuls of the duvet for something to hold onto.

“We can stop,” Judy said seriously.

“No, it’s not—“ Jen said quickly, “I don’t want to stop,” she insisted. Judy approached her slowly, keeping an arms-length between them, waiting for Jen to finish her thought, “but I’m— Jude,” she sighed, “I just, I don’t really know where to go from here. I’ve never— well, you know.”

Judy looked at her sympathetically, reaching out her hand for Jen to take as she sat down beside her. She switched on the bedside table lamp, bathing the room in a quiet, warm glow, illuminating the understanding on her face. 

“I know,” Judy nodded, only kindness in her eyes, a look that had become so familiar to Jen, still unmistakable behind the uncharacteristic dark makeup Judy had put on that evening.

Jen leaned her head into Judy’s shoulder, both of their chests still heaving from the desperate kisses a moment before.

They sat in relative silence for a moment as they caught their breath, Jen silently cursing herself for her sudden apprehension.

“Then how about this?” Judy said gently, lifting Jen’s chin to look at her. “Let me take the lead, and you tell me if at any time you’re not comfortable with something, or if you wanna stop, okay?”

“Okay,” Jen agreed softly. She really didn’t want to stop, the burning between her thighs didn’t want her to stop. Judy taking the lead seemed like a good idea.

“If you still wanna do this.”

“I do.”

“Okay,” Judy smiled, slowly bringing Jen’s hand to her mouth, gently brushing her knuckles with her lips. Jen closed her eyes at the tenderness of the action, letting out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, her chest feeling a little lighter when she reopened her eyes. “How about you sit back against the headboard for me?” Judy asked quietly, letting go of Jen’s hand. 

Jen nodded, scooting herself back on the bed until she was comfortably resting back against the pillows.

Judy slid onto the bed beside her, angling her body towards Jen’s, an arm wrapping gently yet snugly around Jen’s waist, holding her to her. 

She kissed her slow and soft, and Jen let herself get lost in it again, in the feeling of Judy’s soft lips against hers, her body pressed into Jen’s own. They continued like this for a moment, Jen relaxing into Judy, her hand finding Judy’s waist, trailing it down over the gentle curve of her hip.

Judy took Jen’s touch as a cue, matching the caresses along Jen’s own body, warmth bubbling in Jen at the feeling of Judy’s hands travelling down her side, sighing into Judy’s mouth when her hand reached Jen’s bare thigh, Judy’s rings a little cool on her skin. 

Judy pulled back slightly, regarding Jen in the lamplight.

“Do you want to keep this on?” Judy asked quietly, tugging gently on the hem of Jen’s dress.

Jen shook her head no.

“Do you want me to unzip you?” Judy asked.

Jen nodded.

Judy leaned back, allowing Jen some space to shift onto her knees, turning to face the other direction to give Judy access to her zipper.

Jen inhaled as she felt Judy’s fingertips at the nape of her neck, brushing her hair to the side so it wouldn’t get caught in the zipper. She could feel Judy’s breath, warm on the back of her throat, the skin there prickling with the ghost of Judy’s lips hovering nearby. Judy’s fingers found the zipper, tugging slowly until cool air met Jen’s spine.

Jen reached up to help Judy slide the garment off of her shoulders and down her torso, leaving Jen in just her black bra and underwear, the dress bunched at her knees. She pulled the dress out from under her, pushing the bundle off the bed and onto the floor. 

She turned to face Judy, expecting to feel self-conscious with their imbalanced states of undress, surprised when she didn’t feel compelled to shy away from Judy’s stare, instead finding herself held by Judy’s serious gaze. Jen watched as Judy’s eyes lovingly travelled up her body, her gaze wanting, seeming to drink Jen in with both lust and reverence. 

It made Jen want to cry a little.

“Your turn,” Jen said, swallowing the small lump that was forming in her throat, reaching for the hem of Judy’s red dress.

Judy moved her arms behind her back, her eyes locked with Jen’s as she undid her zipper, the red material falling a little around her shoulders as she did. Together, she and Jen lifted the dress up over her head, the movement tousling her hair, Jen’s mouth going dry at the delicious sight of Judy in her underwear, her hair a little bit messy, eyes blown wide with want.

“We match,” Judy grinned, looking between her and Jen, and it took Jen a moment to understand what she was talking about because she’d been been a little bit distracted, eventually realising that Judy’d said it because she too was wearing a black lace bra and panties, the design eerily similar to Jen’s own. 

Jen laughed. What was that thing about spending too much time with someone? 

“Yes we do.”

Judy smiled at her, and Jen couldn’t help but match her grin. It was good to know that no matter the circumstances, Judy was always ready with her little comments, her cheesy little jokes.

Jen drank Judy in for a moment, relishing the sight of her tanned, toned stomach, her full, perfect breasts restrained by her lacy black bra. 

“C’mere,” Jen said, reaching to bring Judy’s mouth to hers once again, parting her lips, letting Judy’s tongue find hers, hesitant hands gaining traction along the slopes of each other’s torso and hips, Judy’s hand slowly snaking around to rub Jen’s ass, her breath hitching as Judy squeezed a little harder. 

Judy leaned over Jen, pushing her back against the pillows until Jen was lying back against them, and then she was swinging a leg over Jen’s body, coming into a straddle over Jen’s hips.

The sight of Judy over her like that was driving Jen a little crazy, Judy’s body in full view, black lace against her golden skin. 

Judy was floating over Jen, her hips hovering a little too high for Jen’s liking, and with confidence she didn’t know she had, Jen found herself reaching up and placing her hands on either side of Judy’s waist, lowering Judy down onto her torso, both of them gasping at the sudden contact, Judy’s cheeks going pink. 

Jen could feel Judy’s dampness soaking through the thin material of her underwear, the evidence of Judy’s desire pressed onto Jen’s stomach. The realisation that Judy was so turned on already had wetness pooling between Jen’s own legs, the thought of Judy like this _for her_ intoxicating beyond belief.

Judy regained some of her composure, and leaned down to kiss Jen, teasing her, missing her lips by a good few inches, instead working her mouth along her neck and jawline, working her way down until her lips were brushing the lace of Jen’s bra, her hands slowly travelling north across Jen’s stomach, stopping shy of her chest.

“Is it okay if I—“ Judy started to ask, but Jen stopped her, grabbing Judy by the wrists and pulling her hands down firmly over her bra, Jen’s hands hovering over Judy’s as she began to caress Jen’s chest over her bra, trailing her hands across the lace as she continued to kiss her.

“You can take it off, if you want,” Jen said quickly, a whisper between kisses.

“Do you want me to?” Judy asked, pulling back slightly, her eyes serious again.

“I do,” Jen nodded, shifting forward so that Judy could reach behind her back.

Judy smiled, leaning down to place a chaste kiss on the very tip of Jen’s nose.

“Thank you for trusting me,” she whispered, her arms snaking around Jen’s back.

They locked eyes as Judy’s hands hovered there for a second, the unspoken gravity of the moment hanging between them as Judy slowly undid the clasp, her fingers coming back around to the front again, unhurriedly pulling the straps down Jen’s shoulders, letting the garment slide down her arms, finally baring Jen’s chest to the room, to Judy.

They both just breathed for a moment, Judy regarding Jen in the lamplight, Jen watching as Judy looked at her chest, her eyes full of admiration, of love.

Judy leaned down, and before Jen could realise what was happening, she felt Judy’s lips brushing across her scars, her kisses soft and tender, and even though her kisses were slow, they were sure, like kissing along Jen’s scars was something Judy had been wanting to do for a long time. _Maybe she had_ , Jen realised. 

It was taking everything Jen had not to burst into tears.

“Jen,” Judy breathed, “you are so, so beautiful.” She leaned down again. “I love you so, so much.”

And it was too much for Jen, and when she blinked she felt a tear drip down her cheek, and she must have sniffed because then Judy was kissing away that tear and the one that followed it, her fingers replacing her lips on Jen’s chest, softly trailing along the uneven skin. And Jen’s heart felt so full, fuller than it ever had maybe, and even though Jen thought it was fucking gross when people cried during sex she kinda understood it now, she understood that intimacy done right was like a catharsis. She felt like she’d just relearned how to breathe.

And soon things became feverish again, Jen’s desire strengthened by Judy’s everlasting sweetness, and maybe it was really fucking cheesy but Jen was starting to understand why some people called it making love.

And when Judy shifted her position, her leg falling between Jen’s this time, Jen couldn’t help but grind into it a bit, letting her obvious dampness rub against Judy’s thigh, her way of letting Judy know that it was okay to touch her there too, _if she wanted to._

Judy grinned.

“All you had to do was say it Jen,” Judy whispered, her body shifting down on the bed, and then she was hooking her fingers into Jen’s waistband, raised eyebrows asking permission, finding it as Jen nodded quickly, and then Judy was tugging Jen’s panties off of Jen’s lifted hips, and she was over her again, her lips skirting down Jen’s torso, skimming across her hip bone, working further down until her kisses were grazing the inside of Jen’s thighs. And Jen could feel how embarrassingly wet she was, especially with Judy’s face so close to where she wanted her, but Jen knew she didn’t want it like this, not this time anyway.

“Jude,” Jen said, using every ounce of willpower to stop Judy in place, her fingers winding through Judy’s chestnut waves, lifting her face to meet her eyes. “Can the first time just be like, fingers?” Jen asked, the frankness of the question making her feel a bit sheepish.

If Jen should have been embarrassed, Judy didn’t let on. Instead she grinned, and gave the inside of Jen’s thigh one last tantalizing kiss before she crawled back up the bed, situating herself against the headboard, beside Jen. She spread her legs, holding her arm open, gesturing for Jen to slide in in front of her, which Jen did slowly, her bare thighs brushing against Judy’s as she positioned herself between Judy’s open legs.

Jen settled herself back against Judy, surprised at how safe she felt leaning into the smaller woman’s frame, her legs splayed out between Judy’s. Judy pulled Jen into her more securely, her fingers tracing delicately along the skin of Jen’s chest and stomach.

Judy moved her other arm around Jen as well, her hands meeting for a second, and Jen realised Judy was taking off her rings, pulling them off one by one. Jen watched Judy’s fingers, entranced with their movements despite the innocence of the action, her mouth going dry at the realisation that maybe Judy had really sexy hands. 

Pulling off the last ring, Judy set them down on the bedside table, quickly replacing her arm across the expanse of Jen’s torso, her fingers sliding down, down, stopping just short of Jen’s entrance, Jen waiting with baited breath.

Slowly, Judy’s lips pressed into Jen’s neck, and with her other arm holding Jen snuggly against her, Judy pushed her waiting finger into Jen’s wetness, Jen gasping a little at the contact. Judy’s finger was inside her, drawing in and out of her, eliciting small squeaks from Jen as Judy trailed slowly in and around her wetness, delicately curling against her clit every so often, each gentle brush electric, making Jen shiver.

Judy added another finger, curling them into Jen as she held her against her, her free hand travelling up and down Jen’s body, tracing along her chest as she nibbled on Jen’s neck and collarbones. 

Judy began to make slow swirls with two fingers, her other hand soothing Jen’s hair as she quickened the pace, changing her angle.

Judy was working a steady rhythm, Jen pliant in her hands, and Jen found herself basking in that feeling, the feeling of letting go, of giving up control to Judy, letting Judy work her fingers against her, breathing hard as she drew out her pleasure. It was a new feeling for Jen, just giving herself over to someone. 

It made sense that it would be Judy.

Jen was letting Judy take care of her, just like she always did, just like Judy always wanted to.

It made sense. They made sense.

And then Jen was gasping as Judy’s grip tightened on Jen’s waist, Jen’s hands searching for an anchor as her orgasm built, her hands finding Judy’s thighs, and Jen was gripping them hard as her hips bucked up into Judy’s hand, Judy whispering affirmations in her ear as she keened, and Jen chased her pleasure until her ears were ringing, her eyes squeezed shut, and then she was screaming Judy’s name, gasping as Judy’s sure fingers persisted, curling into Jen those last few times, encouraging her over the edge, and then with one final squeak Jen was through, and her chest was heaving, rising and falling in time with Judy’s beneath her. 

They stayed like that for a moment, Jen breathing hard, Judy rubbing Jen’s arm as she came down from her high, and maybe Jen was crying again (not that she’d ever admit it, not that Judy would ever make her), and when she gathered herself enough to crawl out of Judy’s lap and rejoin her against the pillows, she kissed Judy long and hard, telling her thank you without needing to say it out loud, and when they finally broke apart once again, Jen noticed that Judy’s eyes were swimming too. 

“I love you, Jude,” Jen breathed, and it was all Jen could say, all she needed to, really.

“I love you too, Jen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. I live for all of your comments. 
> 
> And come yell at me on twitter if you really want an epilogue - @everydaybicon
> 
> (Although I almost certainly will not be giving you one)
> 
> Thank you for reading. Thank you for making it this far. I love you all xx


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